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Forgive Ourselves

Before we forgive others, have we forgiven ourselves?

This is the question that always bugs me at a particular time in year, when we bask in joyous celebration to forgive others, and assuming to forget their mistakes, yet we often secretly neglect to forgive one important person: us.

It seems like split of personalities we are talking about here, but as I close my eyes and let a breath of sigh to pass in seconds, I realize that maybe, I need to forgive myself first before willingly forgive others.

It is not easy. It never is.

In the name of pleasing other people, we tend to put the self acknowledgment aside. But today, of all days in a year, let’s start small.

Forgive me, self, for the lack of exercise that now makes me scream “I look fat!” in this new shirt.

Forgive me, self, for behaving badly in the past month.

Forgive me, self, for there are people I cannot help but talking behind their back, condemning them for their lack of cooperation at work, cursing them for their odd behaviors, and simply hating them.

We owe ourselves forgiveness.

Before we forgive others, let’s forgive the person that matters most: us.

Happy Lebaran.

Forgiveness.

 
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Posted by on 08/08/2013 in English, Personal

 

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It Takes Time to Build a Library (of a Lifetime)

Some of you know that I just moved to a new house, this time I can call my own to be exact.

Excited? Definitely.

I can tell you that the excitement had already started as I listed down items to bring and to leave behind. It does not take a genius to know the items that I arranged the first is my collection of DVDs and Blu-Rays. While it looked easy to just pack ’em and go, I did not prepare for what actually lied ahead.

Guess what? I did not have that many original DVDs and Blu-Rays as I had initially believed!

 Surprise, surprise.

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Posted by on 04/26/2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Eleven Things to Be Grateful This Year

Eleven Things to Be Grateful This Year

Another year, another forced moment to do self-reflection. Try with your darndest effort to ignore your birthday, but chances are, we cannot help but acknowledging OMG-I-am-older-but-am-I-wiser glimpse likely occuring throughout one particular day.

I am having one right now.

Whereas ideally this is supposed to be the right time to come up with inspirational notes, I’d like to step back a bit instead, and list down eleven things I should be grateful this year. Either way, I still come across as a bit of showing off, don’t I?
Well, that is undeniable. It may be true, it may not be. But listed down below are simply reminders that I should be grateful to see another year where some are denied this opportunity. Also, these shall motivate me to come up with a better list in the following years, right?

Right. Nothing left.

So, in no particular order, in the past 12 months, I have been grateful enough to have a home I can call my own the first time. After years of waiting, finally this yet-to-be-financially-wealthy being has a crib of his own, no matter how small it is. Hey, everything starts small, doesn’t it? Even if this home remains as it is, it still is a home, and not just a house.

Speaking of small, a little bundle of joy coming in the form of my niece makes me the first time uncle this year. A biological uncle, to be precise, which fuels excitement of receiving baby pics from my sister and showing them off with pride to colleagues. Oh God. I am one of those annoying parents on Facebook, aren’t I?

Being unable to give birth to children then, I decide to pass that to my sister, and I give birth to another thing: a short film festival. It’s not new, but I’ve never been with a film festival from its inception all this time. Sure, I spent years in one, but the baby we made attracts newnkinds of audiences unlike anything we’ve ever seen in other similar events. Those wide eyed new filmmakers, audiences who flock and support their friends … Truly an enthusiasm I could not ask for more.

Speaking of enthusiasm, or more like it, I have decided to visit this country, my first time visiting this country, on my birthday. In fact, I am writing this while waiting for the plane to bring me there. Ecstatic? You bet. Finally I can tick off one point on my wish list items.
But more excited is to have this trip with company, which is the first time in years, after repeated solo travelings.
Sure, I enjoy doing those me-time in unknown land, but at one point, you could not help feeling alone.
Sometimes we want to have a familiar person to take our pictures, instead of keep asking, “excuse me, could you do me a favor of …” to strangers.
Sometimes we want to have pictures of us and someone else, instead of still objects which we already collect gigabytes of them.
Sometimes we want to share with one person during traveling, not more.

Once a friend tells me, every relationship always feels new. It cannot be more true. Indeed, for the first time (in years) to feel like the first time is something I am thankful for.

Pretty much the same gratitude also goes to the time I traveled across the country late last year. From the furthest point in the West to the capital of the furthest province in the East in a month? Three cities in a week? Apart from making airport a familiar shelter, tired bones felt home as well. But when you get to see this image below, why bother complaining?

I shall not complain that from now on, I am on my own, work-wise, with all exciting projects lining up. And definitely I shall be grateful to be free from physical illness that crippled me with walking sticks last year, and eternally blessed to be constantly surrounded by two favorite F words: friends and family.

But you know what makes me grateful the most here?
That this is the first time I am writing this kind of note.

Have a good day, you.

20130410-201049.jpg

 
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Posted by on 04/11/2013 in Personal

 

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Cinema-going Experiences of 2012

We ushered in 2012 with a sigh of relief.
Import film crisis was over. People seemed to completely forget the crisis by the beginning of the year. Cinemas were added across the country again. We flocked to cinemas regularly like we always do.

Some of us noticed the shift from film reel to digital projection in cinemas. We see films in sharp clarity sans flickering and often awkward change of reels. Some of us miss the grainy look of film, but some welcome the high-def reality with open arms.

But despite the change in technical quality and the price we pay for that, we still go to movies. Be it alone, with friend, or dates, we cannot have enough of those 90-minute or more than 120-minute escapade in a darkened room shared with other strangers, enjoying what is being shown on a big screen. No 3D big size TV can replace the communal enjoyment.

After all, cinemas make us a social person.

And as what I always do since last year, I rank films based on very personal effect that the films gave me. Some of us always look for that tingling sensation throughout and after watching the films. Such effect sucks us in deep that we cannot think of anything else during the film, and we talk about it long afterwards.

I am a sucker for that sensation.

Hence, with the desire in mind, herewith the list of my personal top 10 cinemagoing experiences in 2012:

1. AMOUR
Date of watching: November 26, 2012 – Blitz GI, Jakarta (Europe on Screen)

Amour

Amour

Earlier the day, I received a short text from mom, saying that my dad fell gravely ill. His mind went blank for a moment, and he lost balance. Eventually he gained consciousness, and has been put in an ongoing intensive care treatment.
I received the news with a great surprise. Not only because the news came all of a sudden, but it came on the day I was supposed to watch a film with similar premise: a man witnesses his wife slowly sinking into Alzheimer.
A part of me prompted cancellation from going to watch the film, but eventually I braced myself.
As much as I had prepared myself, tears uncontrollably started rolling with greater intense since we see for the first time Emmanuelle Riva did not respond to Jean Louis Tritignant’s questions. The scene alone shook me. I kept thinking of my dad, and my mom in reverse position reenacting the scene. Maybe. Maybe not.
But the personal reference kept coming throughout the film, so much that I chose to shut my eyes in a few scenes, yet the sound heard still echoes the pain as created by the actors.
These actors do not act. They live their characters. Thus it draws me close to the film, and I have to thank Michael Haneke for creating an effortlessly beautiful film about devotion. Love is shown between the two leads with such intensity that we cannot help but crying for them. I was. I am as I am recalling the film right now.

This is the ultimate film that defines my cinema-going experience this year.
This may be close to destiny, in the sense that a real life crosses with reel life, and it happens unexpectedly, and obviously unplanned.

In a way, magic does happen in cinema. I am fortunate enough to experience that in a grand note.

2. COLDPLAY LIVE 2012
Date of watching: November 13, 2012 – Blitz GI, Jakarta (Special Event)

Coldplay Live 2012

Coldplay Live 2012

Spectacular. You don’t use the word often to describe a film, but this film deserves the accolade. Coldplay’s music comes alive in striking colors and beautiful presentation, thanks to the band’s genius in planning their concerts. But besides that, you have to give credits to filmmakers who cleverly edit and capture the right moments to be presented on big screen.
And it was an unforgettable night of watching the film in awe with other fans. People sang along, gasped and a few screamed together. Some exited the cinema with red cheeks and teary eyes. Sometimes, a documentary concert this beautiful came to our life, and we are grateful enough to see it on the mighty big screen.

3. LIFE OF PI
Date of watching: December 3, 2012 – Blitz GI, Jakarta

Life of Pi

Life of Pi

If there is a film that makes us believe in the power of 3D to tell a story … Wait. I mean, to tell a good story with a good storytelling, then this film does it with a striking justification. Ang Lee takes us to his fantasy world from the first rolling credit showing shots of animals. Immediately I was enchanted with a beautiful clarity of the 3D, and I sat up straight. I sat up straight throughout the film, jaw dropped and often gasped at the film.
I said on Twitter that if there is a film that is closest to being a heaven of cinema, then this film is the answer. To date, I am still holding my opinion up high.

4. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
Date of watching: August 11, 2012 – Studio eX XXI, Jakarta

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods

I saw this the first time on its first midnight show release. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I had such a huge blast in cinema! We said “what-the-fuck” throughout the film, as it keeps taking us to unexpected direction, and that makes a jaw-dropping moment in cinema. Consider it a huge compliment. And the less I say, the better you watch it again, and again.

5. ARGO
Date of watching: December 9, 2012 – SF World CInema, Bangkok

Argo

Argo

I could not remember when was the last time I was at the edge of my seat being entertained and thrilled at the same time. The desire went on and on until I kept wishing for the film to never end. This is a highly engaging political thriller without gimmick of tech wizardry. In fact, it relies on old school tool called story telling. Watching this film means we surrender to the skilled craft of story telling by, unexpectedly, Ben Affleck, and wait until the last car chase scene in the airport that makes you clinch your fists in thrilling climax.

6. THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER
Date of watching: December 13, 2012 – Shaw Lido, Singapore

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Many teen films give sweet sensation that ends after end credits roll. This one is an exception.
Long after exiting the cinema door, I could not help but smiling throughout, despite the rain that greeted me the afternoon I watched the film. Smiled, because the trio performances provided by Emma Watson, Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller (a revelation) feel genuine, sincere and honest. No big scenes of guys getting girls in loud music, but this one gets to the hearts of both young and old ones alike. One of the best teen films in a long time.

7. LEWAT DJAM MALAM
Date of watching: June 22, 2012 – Blitz GI, Jakarta

Lewat Djam Malam

Lewat Djam Malam

Others may choose the nationalism sense of pride in seeing Sony Pictures Classic’s logo at the beginning of The Raid: Redemption or in 5 cm.. But I could not help feeling proud in watching this classic film on big screen, for the first time after complete restoration by World Cinema Foundation. The transfer is crisp clean, and more importantly, it preserves the dignity of the film, proven with its timeless story on psychological effect of war to ordinary citizens stuck in unfortunate circumstances. I could not believe that in 1954, we could make a beautifully harrowing thriller, with advanced story telling that puts many recent films to embarrassment. The heroic Iskandar, the femme fatale Laila, the leading lady with a wit Norma, these are all modern day standard of strong characters on screen. We really struck gold then.

8. THE MASTER
Date of watching: December 11, 2012 – Apex Siam, Bangkok

The Master

The Master

I was lucky enough to see the latest Paul Thomas Anderson’s film on big screen, and this is a rare opportunity. Why? Apart from none of his films ever made local cinemas, each of his film consistently feels operatic, be it in the look of the film, or how Anderson crafts the story and its characters. Shot in 70 mm, and is supposedly seen in the format, I only managed to see this in the glorious old style of 35 mm print. Still, the larger-than-life feeling watching the film remains intact. I felt swept to the huge Pacific sea as Joaquin Phoenix rested on big ship. And I shivered as Anderson put extreme close up in Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman while they banter in prison, making us watching an acting masterclass in session. Johnny Greenwood’s mythical score even heard more believable in big screen. It was a rare opportunity, indeed.

9. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
Date of watching: July 4, 2012 – IMAX Gandaria City XXI, Jakarta

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man

Since this list is highly subjective, then I may as well going deep here.
Sure, by any means, this reboot is unnecessary. Still, it is a decent film on its own, with believable chemistry between the leads, and a standout song-in-a-film moment. It is right when Coldplay’s “Till Kingdom Come” played when Peter Parker starts learning the ropes of being a superhero, with montages of him running, jumping in the air, skate boarding, and breathing a sigh of relief over his new identity that I, sitting on a giant IMAX screen, was stunned in silence. I was hooked to the scene, and the whole atmosphere the song injects to the film. Then I realized, it was there, from this film, that the song ushers this heart for another that also saw the film together. The whole scene was unforgettable.

10. TEST PACK
Date of watching: September 10, 2012 – Blitz GI, Jakarta

Test Pack

Test Pack

Surprised? Me, too.
It is not a perfect film. Neither is this list. But once in a while come a film we realize its imperfection, yet we cannot help being drawn to its charm.
I went to see the film right after being passed out, thinking of canceling the film altogether, fearing that I might sleep throughout the film. Instead, I was completely succumbed to how Acha Septriasa and Reza Rahadian behaved and talked to each other, I willingly put my empathy to their characters, and I woke up the next morning still completely amused by them. You cannot help but liking them, despite oddities in the storyline. Call it the power of acting, and effortless direction, but this film makes a pleasant viewing anytime.

And for other memorable experiences in cinema this year that I also cherish deeply, in alphabetical order:

The Artist (seeing a contemporary black-and-white silent film in cinema, screened with digital projection, is a kick of joy for anyone);
Detachment (a no-holds-barred film with powerful performances from Adrien Brody that I would associate him with this film from now on);
The Dark Knight Rises (a majestic treatment of a superhero film that deserves repeated screenings on the first two days of release);
Looper (jaw-dropping sci-fi/action film that left me stunned, despite watching it at a midnight show);
Lovely Man (saw the first time on screener, then saw it again on a big screen, only to be amazed by how the film holds up, and still cries when Claire de Lune is played); and,
The Muppets (Need a further explanation? Kermit and Miss Piggy and the rest of the gang on the big screen? Come on! :D).

See you in cinema next year.
Or next week.

 
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Posted by on 12/28/2012 in English, Film

 

Things We Text On Our Way to Airport

10:15:34 pm

Finally here at the airport. Rushing for check-in now.

10:16:17 pm

Yay! Eat something. Red-eye flights suck. When r u coming back again?

10:16:40 pm

Thanks for telling me that, but thanks for the reminder. Be back in 3 days. Hey, I haven’t even boarded the plane yet!

10:17:15 pm

So?

10:17:22 pm

So much for the notification alert that made my heart beeped, but immediately sank when I saw just “so?”

10:17:30 pm

Hahaha. What do u want me to say? Haven’t I said enough “have a safe flight”s already?

10:17:45 pm

Doesn’t hurt to give one. Each traveling is a new adventure.

10:18:00 pm

Have a safe flight, dear.

10:18:10 pm

Thank you.
You know what?

10:18:13 pm

What?

10:18:20 pm

Strangely, both my most favorite and the saddest part of traveling is when u say “have a nice flight.”

10:18:26 pm

🙂

10:18:33 pm

Glad to have u to come home to.

10:18:40 pm

Glad to have u to look forward to everyday, in person and in texting.

10:18:45 pm

🙂
Low batt now.
Bye, dear.

10:18:52 pm

We never really part, do we? I’ll see you soon.

 
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Posted by on 10/15/2012 in English, Personal

 

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If I Forget to Love You …

… then read what I write here.

sometimes, i forget to love you.

not because i fall out of love. after all, how can i, when we once agreed on being in love, and not falling in love, because when you fall in, there’s a chance you can easily fall out?

and not because i have grown tired of you. well, there are days of yearning for absolute mindless freedom, but you know me as a man of mind, thus is it a likely occurrence of me taking such toll without thinking?

actually, i do. or rather, i did. and that’s how i love you.

and now, i forget that you need to be tingled with sweet, loving words.

i forget that you need more than my silent support of catching you from behind when you fall.

i forget that you need more than my quiet persistence of being someone that you come home to.
without asking, without probing, without questioning.

i forget that you need to go out sometimes, often at opposing times when i feel like talking to myself and the four still walls.

at such times, sometimes i forget to love you.

because i have started respecting you, hoping that you trust this union we’ve built.

because i have begun to honor you and your marvelous side of life that i may or may not be apt to fit in.

and still, if sometimes i forget to love you,

remind me again, please.

that’s how our life begins.

 
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Posted by on 09/29/2012 in Uncategorized

 

Catatan Kecil

Akhir pekan lalu, seusai pesta pernikahan sahabat, saya dan beberapa teman terlibat percakapan menarik.
Di tengah beberapa orang menghapus riasan muka, ganti baju dan sekedar bersantai tengah malam, seorang teman bilang,

“I don’t believe if there’s anyone says “I don’t care about your past, because I only believe in our future!”
To me, when I meet someone, when I make a relationship with someone, I have to know what makes this person who she really is. And a person is defined by her past! I just need to know their past, that’s all. Then I’ll figure out how to deal with that person.”

Kata-kata ini, berikut gaya pengucapan teman saya yang sangat hidup, sudah sukses menyentil saya.
Kebetulan saya pernah menulis sesuatu tentang “investing in your future, rather than dwelling on your past”. Ternyata saya lupa, bahwa bagaimana kita sekarang adalah hasil tempaan masa lalu kita, baik itu mulai dari kecil, remaja, menjadi mahasiswa, atau hasil masa lalu kita dalam hitungan beberapa jam yang lalu.

Saya adalah bentukan mantan-mantan pacar saya.
Selama menjalin hubungan dengan mereka, ada proses belajar dalam diri setiap berinteraksi dengan mereka. Saya merasakan sendiri perubahan dalam bersikap, bertindak, melihat permasalahan, yang sangat mungkin ada sedikit pengaruh atau warisan karakter dari mereka. Mungkin karena itulah saya sempat limbung ketika kehilangan pegangan saat semua hubungan itu berakhir.

Namun saya sadar, bahwa saya tidak boleh mengagungkan masa lalu. Toh mereka yang pernah singgah dan menjadi fokus hari-hari saya tidak akan kembali juga.
Tetapi bagi siapapun yang sedang mencoba hadir, atau akan hadir, mengisi hari-hari dan hati saya, mari kita telaah pelan-pelan.

Saya ada dengan membawa resapan masa lalu saya. Demikian pula dengan kamu.
Semua persamaan dan perbedaan yang ada, mari kita omongkan.
Kalau kamu adalah yang terbaik untuk saya, demikian pula kalau kamu merasakan hal yang sama, maka kita tinggal deal dengan takdir.
Selebihnya, saya lebih suka menjalani apa adanya.

Yang jelas, saya sadar bahwa dalam kehidupan nyata, proses penghapusan memori seperti dalam film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tidak akan pernah terjadi.
Rasa sakit, senang, pedih, gembira tentang masa lalu yang hadir dalam kehidupan saya di masa sekarang, semuanya adalah bagian yang tidak mungkin hilang.

Dalam keadaan apapun, saya harus terus bernafas, make a living dan melanjutkan hidup, yang semoga bisa jadi lebih baik.

Saya ingin punya kisah survival saya tersendiri.
Saya bukan teman-teman saya, yang saya kagumi, yang kisah pertahanan hidupnya acap kali membuat saya merasa belum menjadi apa-apa. Untuk itulah saya mengagumi mereka.

Dan untuk itulah saya harus meyakinkan diri bahwa saya akan terus baik-baik saja, meskipun keyakinan itu harus keluar dari mata yang berkaca-kaca dan helaan nafas yang berat.

“Because life goes on, dear.”

 
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Posted by on 09/29/2012 in Bahasa Indonesia

 

I Love You and Other Words

People go around saying I love you wishing to be told the same in return. 
Gone are the days when saying such is a mere act of affection without asking anything as reply or response, or when people do not throw such words easily.

People take words like I love you to a greater degree of seriousness, so much so that hearing those three is something they might be afraid of. 
The fear takes over the joy, as those words are powerful enough to make one thinking for days, worried not being able to reciprocate.

People who think hard before saying I love you likely repeat the words thousand times in their heads until the words lose their intended meaning.
Once the excitement is gone, it is likely that the words are not said at all.

People crave for being told I love you that they rehearse their reaction, often forgetting that a simple smile and kiss will just do.

People love the words I love you that upon travelling, we always ask the local languages of these three words, and we make funny attempts to imitate the pronunciation.
For once, emotionless act can be genuine and heartfelt in this case.

People believe once words like I love you are spoken between two strangers, a relationship is born. 

If only it were that simple.

People don’t go around saying I love you and wish to be told the same in return, because sincerity will reveal itself.

Peope aren’t supposed to take words like I love you to a greater degree of seriousness that fear will substitute good-hearted intention.

People don’t need to think that hard before saying I love you, or to endlessly repeat the words  in their heads before being chickened out by the dizzy mind.

People who crave less for being told I love you will never rehearse their reaction, because they will give the most genuine reaction instead.

People may not love words like I love you that much, yet when they travel, they can still form a good connection with locals.

People need not always believe in the idea that relationship begins with saying words like I love you.

People, like us, just do.

It’s that simple after all.

 
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Posted by on 09/21/2012 in Blog

 

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Someone with Labels

Someone to come home to.
Someone to travel with.
Someone to visit on weekend.
Someone to have meals together with.
Someone to greet the first thing in the morning and the last at night.
Someone to watch movies with.
Someone to yell at the hardest when one forgets another’s birthday.
Someone to cry on to when one feels like quitting job.
Someone to remind another to pick up laundry.
Someone to finish another’s sentences.
Someone to feel guilty of upon flirting with strangers.
Someone to call and text when one feels lonely because friends are busy.
Someone to forget when friends are around.
Someone to kiss with heart.
Someone to smile to.
Someone to laugh together with.
Someone to stay silent with and still be understood.

How can the person in us actually do these duties, and many more?
By loving someone else sincerely.

 
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Posted by on 09/18/2012 in Uncategorized

 

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All the Sorrys

What does Eid or Lebaran mean to you?

Many will nod along the religious convention being the most anticipated day after one does fasting for a month, thus calling it a victory day. 
Some others may make use of the day to reunite with family members, especially the distant ones.
But for me, and perhaps a few others, may see the day as the time to revisit the idea of being sorry.

It began a few years ago, when my old time buddy Fay told me, “Why do we have Lebaran? It is because we need a reminder on the importance of forgiving. You know, we don’t need to wait until Lebaran to apologize for our wrongdoings or whatever mistake we make. But there’s gotta be one special day in a year when we acknowledge, and glorify a little, the necessity to say “I am sorry” for all mistakes we’ve made.

Think of it this way: you don’t need Valentine’s Day to love, or to show your affection to someone. But there is one day in a year when we are reminded the importance of love, regardless you celebrate it or not.”

The lengthy explanation sticks with me for good, and as years go by, I find it more relevant each time.  Especially during the said public holiday, in which more often than we’re not, we are forced to say we are sorry to people we are not close to.

In the spirit of festivities, we relent to the habit. But the real, true “I am sorry” takes over time to finally being said with sincerity.
Thus, each celebration feels like a cumulative of all the sorrys we have gathered over days, weeks, months, and years. 

And in the spirit of putting importance to that, perhaps these are some of the confession, statement of apology, or whatever you like to call it, that I have finally realized I haven’t been able to say in person:

– Sorry for not returning your Interview With the Vampire OST cassette I once borrowed;

– Sorry for missing your transit time on your route to married life in Africa, because I overslept;

– Sorry for not being a good son with tons of skeletons in my closet that I have chosen not to open it to you, ever;

– Sorry for having doubt on your relationship, because I refuse to believe I won’t spend the rest of your life with as a friend;

– Sorry for keep forgetting the names of aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews;

– Sorry for being a distant brother who never gets to spend much time with each one of you;

– Sorry for not being able to forgive you yet, let alone forget, but acceptance is the key, right?;

– Sorry for not saying “I love you” yet;

– Sorry for saying “I love you” too soon.

Now what are your long delayed sorrys?

 
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Posted by on 08/20/2012 in English, Personal

 

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On the last day of fasting month

Jakarta, 18 Agustus 2012.

Hari ini adalah hari terakhir puasa Ramadhan 1433 Hijriah.

Sebelum tangan ini mulai membuka laptop untuk menulis blog entry ini, tiba-tiba pikiran saya melayang pada awal Ramadhan tiga tahun lalu.
Di hari pertama puasa itu, tanpa saya sadari tiba-tiba saya menangis. Bukan menangis keras dengan jeritan dan sedu sedan, tetapi menangis dengan rembesan air mata pelan-pelan mengalir di pipi tanpa saya sedari, sebelum pelan-pelan terisak lirih.
Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on 08/18/2012 in Bahasa Indonesia

 

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Post Sunday Dinner Unexpected Talk

X: “Hey!”

Y: “Hey!”

X: “Finally! Haven’t heard from you for a long time.”

Y: “Really? It doesn’t feel that long. Besides, you haven’t really looked for me, have you?”

X: “When one had done the searching at first, then one is entitled to being … searched, or found. No?”

Y: “No, not really. One’s gotta keep looking.”

X: “Is that so? Then what if the object of search has disappeared all of a sudden without a trace?”

Y: “Then one doesn’t search hard enough.”

X: “How do you know if the effort to search is hard enough, or not?”

Y: “No, I don’t know the answer to that, really. Because to me, it doesn’t feel like you look for me or reach out to me. Why? Because I kept thinking about you. I know, it sounds weird, considering we barely meet, but it kinda feels good to think about you in the morning when I’m on my way to work, or sometimes at night when I finish my dinner. Crazy, right?”

X: “And you did not hit the reply button.”

Y: “Yeah, well, I’m sorry. I can’t justify that. Nor I can justify that so-called hard search in one email in every four days. One short email of less than fifty words! But in my defense, a weak defense, having you in mind does not make my days feel long.”

X: “I guess we keep each other in mind differently then.”

Y: “What’s the point of being the same? I don’t love myself that much. I’d rather love someone else completely different from what I am. That’s the point of falling, right?”

X: “And who’s the person then?”

Y: “Why don’t you find out? You’re on the search, aren’t you?”

 
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Posted by on 08/12/2012 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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An Adult Goes Rambling About Falling and Staying

What I don’t like being an adult or a grown-up man is the need to be safe.
Suddenly as we reach a certain number of age, we prioritize safety and security in everything at equal terms. For every saving we make in investment, insurance, foreign currencies and many other kinds, we expect the same applies to our daily diet. Everything has to be measured to exact or close to the exact designated point that we create on our own.

This leads to the subconscious effort to whatever else we do in life. We tend to avoid surprises or being surprised at, opting for planned events because we can control what we are going to get. We choose comfort food over newly arrived cuisines nobody has heard of before. We stay at familiar hotels based on reason to accumulate reward point instead of newly opened lodgings.

And little do we realize that when it comes to falling for someone new, we take different extreme measures to prevent from being hurt.
Gone are spontaneity in running against the rain and brace traffic jam to pick him or her up, or making lyrical poems and notes that prompt us to stay up all night. Instead, we take a rain check whenever rain starts falling, opting to talk on the phone, or texting. We cannot afford to stay up late, because staying up late on one night requires three night of 8-hour sleep replacement each.

What starts as a cautionary act slowly becomes a barrier. Not even an obstacle, but a fence we build to protect ourselves from experiencing high-risk joy of falling.
Even the note carries similar tune, don’t you think?

When we start falling for someone, we immediately occupy ourselves with scenarios of both possibilities: being accepted or being rejected. Unfairly we label this acceptance as happiness and rejection as, simply, unhappiness.
What we forget is that, along the way to discover the new person, we are happy to do things we don’t normally do. And that’s when the journey makes a happy chapter. Even happier than the state of being together as declared with so-called status of boyfriend or girlfriend.

When we start falling for someone new, we don’t want to fall hard. We busy maintain the flame to last as long as we’d like to keep it last, so much that we deceive ourselves in getting spontaneous, or exuding joy. We bury ourselves deep in thought of endless “what if”s. What if there’s someone else he or she is thinking of? What if all these are annoyance instead of fine reaction? What if these worries come true? What if they don’t?

There is nothing greater than staying in love, but for love to stay, we have to find and eventually fall for it first. Falling in love is the key to have love stayed. And for love to stay, God knows how many times we keep falling in and falling out, until the right one comes along, often unexpectedly.

If you have found one, consider yourself lucky. If you haven’t, consider yourself even luckier, because you have no idea how strong you are to keep believing in yourself.

Besides, I always believe that it always feels good to love first, to spare a space in heart and mind solely for one other person and no one but this special person that gets us up and about every single day, to think of nothing but giving our utmost thought effortlessly, selflessly, smoothly, and willingly, to initiate help without being asked to, to give without wanting anything in return, to wait in vain without knowing, to anxiously look forward to each and every clue and hint that brings joy, all of those without realizing that maybe, subconsciously, we don’t want anything back. When you have given your love with all your might, perhaps you don’t care about being loved in return.

What I don’t like being an adult is the lesser chances to experience what I write above.
But what I do like is that when the moment, that precious, rare one moment come, I will tend to the moment with my utmost concern. After all, it’s worth the long wait.
And thus, we are safe.

 
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Posted by on 08/12/2012 in Blog, English

 

A Midday Talk

1: Hey, I need to talk to you later. Dinner?

2: But aren’t we talking right now?

1: We are, yeah.

2: So? What is it that you can’t talk about but you plan to talk to me about it later? I mean, what’s the difference if you talk to me right now, right here?

1: The time is different, the place is different …

2: … but the persons are the same …

1: … I figure you will say that …

2: … and what are you waiting for?

1: What I am waiting for? A lot. I am waiting, in fact, I have been waiting for that one … moment … to gather my strength and guts to say to you that for the past few months, nothing excites me more than seeing your name on my phone. Your unexpected calls, your laughter, your silly jokes, your nonsensical humor, your work stories that make me grateful for my crappy job, your hilarious self that have made my days and made me addicted for it. So yes, that’s the truth. I have enjoyed your company. But I can’t define this … enjoyment. I don’t know what that is. Is it a crush? I don’t know. I’m not sure what it is. But what I am sure of is that you, you … are one very kind person, and I want to stay spending time with you, until I figure out what the thing is. Only if you let me. There. I am sorry. Again. God knows how many times I said ‘sorry’ to you today.

(pause)

1: So?

2: Wow.

1: Yeah.

2: I don’t know what to say …

1: … I don’t expect you to say anything …

2: … but I know what to do …

1: Huh?

2: … because I am still here. And I will. I’ll stay. But, will you?

(end)

 
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Posted by on 07/29/2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Night Conversation

A: “By the way, …”

B: “Yes?”

A: “Is last night’s question still applicable? The one about “what do you want to know about me?”? Does it have an expiry date?”

B: “Depends. What do you want to ask?”

A: “Strangely, I don’t know. You got me tongue tied.”

B: “Is that so? I don’t believe it.”

A: “Neither do I. Unbelievable. It’s like when you have someone in your mind most of the time of the day, and you think this person matters to you most, but at the same time, you feel like, I don’t know, questioning and constantly wondering if the feeling is mutual. What if the other person does not think about you, at all? What if the habit of texting, calling, interrupting meetings just to say “hey, what’s up”, and getting a fast reply of “hey, am on a meeting. TTYL”, before actually a real, long conversation happens afterwards, becomes a nuisance instead of a welcoming, happy intrusion?”

B: “You underestimate yourself.”

(pause)

A: “Do I?”

B: “You do.”

A: “And by underestimating myself …”

B: “You underestimate me.”

(pause)

A: “Do you?”

B: “I do.”

B: “Do you?”

A: “I do.”

(end)

Conversation

 
5 Comments

Posted by on 07/20/2012 in Personal

 

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