I don’t think I have ever been comfortable with myself. Has anyone ever?
Years ago, that actually seems like centuries ago, I was bullied by many as I was obese. Gradually I lost weight, and I lost more weight to the point of being accused of anorexic. I loved food, and still do, too much to throw away, let alone after eating. Then I gained a few kilos, people started saying that I looked fine, not fat nor thin, and it made me feel good. Gotta be honest about this.
Then I worked hard to maintain the seemingly proper weight. It was not easy. My weight kept fluctuating. I could go from looking plump to looking thin within a relatively short period of time. I tried applying a particular mantra “the thinner, the better”, but where did it get me? Nowhere. The body kept moving across like average stock index at any given month. I began losing track when I actually felt good about myself.
And how we concern about our physical attributes always affects how we think and perceive ourselves.
On top of that, a certain past relationship kept me wondering why I bothered to stay while the other party often made inappropriate comments about how I looked like. Of course, at that time, the comments passed of as jokes, albeit unfunny ones if I look back at it now.
Taking comments from other people about our physical appearances can take a toll on our mentality. We’re afraid to try new clothes. We keep getting obsessed with being perceived as “good” by others. We’re scared to eat. We think ourselves as unworthy.
All those sad notes, while we still have to make a living. We are stressed out. We are often feeling guilty over nothing.
Then suddenly, it all stops.
At least for me, the worrying stops.
It takes a while before I could just smile when someone greeted me with, “Do you gain weight?”, and still silently judge the other’s communication skill as other kind of greeting can easily be used. It is not easy at first. I take it personally, very personally, and you should, too. It is easy being superior over others albeit for a few minutes. But the effect on the other party? We always have no idea.
We have no idea, too, when we already lose weight, we still want more. We are still not satisfied. Once the flabby tummy’s gone, the wrinkles are still there. More people call us “sir” now than two years ago. Grey hairs are impossible to hide.
We are never satisfied.
I am never satisfied.
But I can accept.
Gone is the time of submitting photos 10 years ago in dating sites or for official purpose. Gone is the habit of reducing age as we press buttons on treadmill.
Time has never been kind to anyone. But if we are kind enough to ourselves, we get through time in a much more relaxing manner.
I still take way less selfie than anyone. Probably I only take selfie, and still not alone, once every 4 months. I still cringe when I see myself in work photos or videos.
But do I spend or waste my time dwelling on that? Hardly. Not anymore. For there are books to read, films
to watch, places to go, and sports as simple as running to do, we shall turn our utmost attention to those kinds of activities. They make us feel good. They make us feel smart. They make us feel that no time is wasted.
They enrich our lives.
And after some 600 words we read together, I still don’t think I have ever been comfortable with myself.
But I can accept, and live.