Monthly Archives: December 2005

thank you, 2005.

there’s no easy way to describe in words the journey of the past year.

for sure, it began with feats after feats, glory after glory, all of which had brightened my days, and all of which had given promising signals to the year.

yet, when the year marred with series of unfortunate events that rival lemony snicket’s right at the tip of the year, i couldn’t help but taking a reflective retreat to spend my new year’s eve this time around.

if my 2005 began with bright lights despite continuous natural disasters, then 2006 looks uncertain from here, not even a guiding light can reveal what’s ahead.

wait. my guiding light is only a flickering light from my mobile. i’ve nothing left.

may yours be brighter, everyone 🙂

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Posted by on 12/31/2005 in English


green branches of trees

referring to the title, that’s the view i’ve got from the windows in my room here. sometimes i find myself staring at them for minutes that would drag into hours, while i stroke my fingers along the keyboard in my laptop or while i simply sip a cuppa and sit in my yellow chair.

i am back in my comfort zone.

and the most rejuvenating experience one can get is to have a deep sleep for hours, without any interruption or intrusion of any kind.

looking back at the past seventeen days that i describe as a whirlwind experience, all of a sudden i felt tired when i stepped my feet on the airport, and took a train home last nite. all looking familiar, yet it’s not close enough to call it home.

but no matter what, this is a comfort zone when one can feel relaxed, as what i am now.

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Posted by on 12/28/2005 in English


circling life

it was one rainy afternoon when i received a message from my dad, asking for a meet-up over tea.
he told me it was purely to discuss about his upcoming overseas trips, although i know that he meant something else.

something that had been longing to complete when i had visited my hometown earlier last week, i.e. a heart-to-heart talk between a father and his son.

having undergone some misery, i expected that the talk basically would revolve around consolation over the incident and how i needed to pull myself through. of course, my expectation was met, yet what was given to me was more than that.

far from being lectured, he stroke my mind with a thought on life and its destiny, that some kind of great creator has arranged the life as the way it is meant to be, yet we need not to be succumbed to its trap, leaving us beguiled on spoiled facilities.
because when we fall, we’ve always got backups to lean ourselves to.
the God, your parents, your siblings, your beloved one, and your friends.
those are your life support systems that you have to maintain throughout your life, and you have to nurture them well so that it grows on you.

it was on one rainy afternoon where i did not hesitant in dropping a little of my precious tears.

and as if life does circle on its own, last weekend faith seemed to find me again when miraculously i spotted haruki murakami’s “kafka on the shore” on a local bookshop, slightly cheaper than what was lost on that fateful bag.

and as if to echo my dad’s words that the greatest loss one could ever experience is when his beloved one departs from the world for good, IU has to bid an eternal goodbye to her beloved brother, right on a christmas eve that surely will leave a mark on the rest of her life.

and now, here i am, sitting in an internet cafe, thinking that i will return to my comfort zone tomorrow, meeting my housemate who sets himself more than merely being so, and finding my room in its empty state.

i guess when we have finished circling our life and everything on it, the life will make a new start on its own.


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Posted by on 12/24/2005 in English


within a few days

Mom: “So you said that you have been stressed out for the whole past year?”
Me: “That’s pretty much it.”
Mom: “It’s not being ‘stressed out’ anymore. You have been depressed.”

And I looked at her in bewilderment, partly disbelieving her sharp intuition.

I could only nod, sigh, and hope she would say another of her trademark: spontaneous one-line notes that often hit my mind at unexpected times.
But as usual, she does not speak any further, a wise move to suggest that it is entirely up to me to make my own way.

However, the way I’ve chosen remains to be a deadlock far from satisfying, let alone fulfilling my quench over certainties and some clarity issues.

It has been a few days after I came back from my hometown, and exactly within these few days, I have felt crippled.
I could not bring my mind forward to come up with any writing ideas, and reviewing films seems like an ancient penchant of mine long to be buried under a treasure chest. The plan I had constructed prior to my departure was brutally scraped out and butchered since my bag was stolen exactly ten days ago, barely reaching the second day I stepped my feet on this mind-puzzling city.

What I did not realize was how much impact the incident affected my life, until now.

The seemingly perfect mapped-out plans did not work out at all, and I am still stranded homeless and jobless in this city. My savings were gone along with the bag, and the precious notebook which had become my faithful companion for the past few months has been missing its real owner, without having any idea about its whereabout.
Each and every single day, I had to occupy myself with some made-up activities which still translate as the unproductive kind.

I hit my own rock bottom.

I have to come up alone, and the path up is too steep to climb.

Still, mom does not talk about it any further, and prefers to concentrate on her son gaining more weight.

Mom, I need a weighty life.

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Posted by on 12/21/2005 in English


there’s no conclusion …

… to my holiday, this unexpected trip here.

how does one detach from a comfort of holiday? he’ll surely be holding on to the grip of the fun tightly, and when it’s time to hit the reality again, one can only remember the happiness.

as spoken in the film thank god he met lizzie, which happens to be one of my favorite quotes:

“the trouble with happiness is that you don’t realize it when it’s there. you remember it.”

and i will remember and cherish these three fulfilling days i had here.

it is far from thrift spending except for necessities such as a new flash disk, which has nothing to do with the holiday itself.
no culinary trip taken as i indulged more on my mum’s cooking.
no trying out of new public transport destination as i prefer to hide inside the car.

yet this is a holiday i’ve longed to have, the moments when i could take my mind off the matters been hanging on for the past few months.

i could rely myself on the literary selection belongs to my sister, which mostly comprise of works by brits author.
i could be at peace with myself when i took one book, sat down on a sofa amidst heavy rain pouring outside in one cold afternoon.
i could take a walk along kayutangan area which now remains one of the few places appropriate for pedestrians use.
i could be mesmerized by the line of palm trees on ijen boulevard.

and this is it.

embrace the future.

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Posted by on 12/17/2005 in English


following the follow-up, …

after slightly less than 48 hours retreating myself to a sanctuary here, i begin to slowly enjoy the ethereal beauty of this hometown.

for a start, the weather has been accomodative enough that i do not even mind to drive in the morning, unlike three months ago when i had to park my car under shades of trees, just to avoid the unbearable heat.
but these days, the mere presence of the weather alone could bring back the memories of my childhood, when i often jogged in the morning against the wind, the chilling air, the clouds that seem to be hanging right above our head.

the grey-ish misty look from the air that i breathe, and at times, the fog that i exhale, coming out from the mouth.

add that with a plate of spicy nasi pecel, tempe, bakwan jagung, and a cup of tea to let the fluid flowing inside my digestive system to make it warm, then this is what i call a heavenly peace.

after all, a holiday is the time we’re supposed to take matters off of our mind.

and i could not be more thankful to that thief who robbed my bag 😉

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Posted by on 12/16/2005 in English


the follow-up

as i am sitting here in (supposedly) my ex-study table which has been neglected for quite some time due to a reason that my younger sis thinks it being not ‘girly’ enough, i.e. her table is filled with Taiwanese boyband pictures, i can’t believe what i can indulge myself in this unplanned trip.

yes, folks, after my recent “tragedy”, i decided to recuperate myself by storming back to my parents’ house, to this little hometown i always have my respect on. yet, the feeling of being a washed-out could not be denied, when i took a walk on a street filled with bursting motorcars and bicycles, drizzle poured in to wet my shoes, the girl i used to have a chat with whenever i needed to make copies of my notes is still working in the same place, i wonder if she will ever quit.

no one stared, yet everyone saw how weird my shaved head matched the tiny figure i have maintained ever since i decided that size S stands for “sexy”. everyone thought i must be crazy then for i have an L size for my caps.

here i am, surviving the first 24 hour of this unexpected holiday.

everyone deserves a holiday, even for one who has just committed a failure of himself.

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Posted by on 12/15/2005 in English