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Note on a Thursday Afternoon

One of the great unfortunate elements of falling in love is that you don’t remember the exact moment.

You don’t remember the specific time.
You forget the precise dotted point on the clock when you start falling.

By any means, it is perfectly fine.

We are swept by the excitement of having someone new in life.
We are thrilled by continuous discoveries we unearth of each other everyday.
We are overjoyed by the sheer sensation of living on clouds number nine.

But then the law of gravity plays its part.

For everything that is put up above, eventually it will come down.
For every moment of falling in love, it will soon be followed by falling out.

We are busy questioning everything, not enough with just accepting.
We are keen on interrogating and investigating, not enough with just asking and believing.
We are dwelling on anger, bitterness, confusion and disappointment. The ABCD of emotional fallout.

We forget that once, we were alive.
We forget that once, we were happy.
We forget that once, we were in love.

Thus, if you ask me when was the last time I fell in love, I can only meet your eyes and say, “I don’t remember”.
But ask me if I ever want to love again, and I let my smile say, “always”.

 
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Posted by on 08/06/2015 in English, Personal

 

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Memaafkan Diri Sendiri

Setiap tanggal 1 Ramadhan dan 1 Syawal, ada pertanyaan yang selalu mengusik saya: apakah kita sudah memaafkan diri sendiri, sebelum memaafkan orang lain?

Apakah setiap ucapan “maaf lahir batin” yang kita ucapkan ke orang lain adalah pernyataan maaf yang tulus keluar dari hati, dan bukan sekedar basa-basi?
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Eleven Things to Be Grateful This Year

Eleven Things to Be Grateful This Year

Another year, another forced moment to do self-reflection. Try with your darndest effort to ignore your birthday, but chances are, we cannot help but acknowledging OMG-I-am-older-but-am-I-wiser glimpse likely occuring throughout one particular day.

I am having one right now.

Whereas ideally this is supposed to be the right time to come up with inspirational notes, I’d like to step back a bit instead, and list down eleven things I should be grateful this year. Either way, I still come across as a bit of showing off, don’t I?
Well, that is undeniable. It may be true, it may not be. But listed down below are simply reminders that I should be grateful to see another year where some are denied this opportunity. Also, these shall motivate me to come up with a better list in the following years, right?

Right. Nothing left.

So, in no particular order, in the past 12 months, I have been grateful enough to have a home I can call my own the first time. After years of waiting, finally this yet-to-be-financially-wealthy being has a crib of his own, no matter how small it is. Hey, everything starts small, doesn’t it? Even if this home remains as it is, it still is a home, and not just a house.

Speaking of small, a little bundle of joy coming in the form of my niece makes me the first time uncle this year. A biological uncle, to be precise, which fuels excitement of receiving baby pics from my sister and showing them off with pride to colleagues. Oh God. I am one of those annoying parents on Facebook, aren’t I?

Being unable to give birth to children then, I decide to pass that to my sister, and I give birth to another thing: a short film festival. It’s not new, but I’ve never been with a film festival from its inception all this time. Sure, I spent years in one, but the baby we made attracts newnkinds of audiences unlike anything we’ve ever seen in other similar events. Those wide eyed new filmmakers, audiences who flock and support their friends … Truly an enthusiasm I could not ask for more.

Speaking of enthusiasm, or more like it, I have decided to visit this country, my first time visiting this country, on my birthday. In fact, I am writing this while waiting for the plane to bring me there. Ecstatic? You bet. Finally I can tick off one point on my wish list items.
But more excited is to have this trip with company, which is the first time in years, after repeated solo travelings.
Sure, I enjoy doing those me-time in unknown land, but at one point, you could not help feeling alone.
Sometimes we want to have a familiar person to take our pictures, instead of keep asking, “excuse me, could you do me a favor of …” to strangers.
Sometimes we want to have pictures of us and someone else, instead of still objects which we already collect gigabytes of them.
Sometimes we want to share with one person during traveling, not more.

Once a friend tells me, every relationship always feels new. It cannot be more true. Indeed, for the first time (in years) to feel like the first time is something I am thankful for.

Pretty much the same gratitude also goes to the time I traveled across the country late last year. From the furthest point in the West to the capital of the furthest province in the East in a month? Three cities in a week? Apart from making airport a familiar shelter, tired bones felt home as well. But when you get to see this image below, why bother complaining?

I shall not complain that from now on, I am on my own, work-wise, with all exciting projects lining up. And definitely I shall be grateful to be free from physical illness that crippled me with walking sticks last year, and eternally blessed to be constantly surrounded by two favorite F words: friends and family.

But you know what makes me grateful the most here?
That this is the first time I am writing this kind of note.

Have a good day, you.

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Posted by on 04/11/2013 in Personal

 

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A Midday Talk

1: Hey, I need to talk to you later. Dinner?

2: But aren’t we talking right now?

1: We are, yeah.

2: So? What is it that you can’t talk about but you plan to talk to me about it later? I mean, what’s the difference if you talk to me right now, right here?

1: The time is different, the place is different …

2: … but the persons are the same …

1: … I figure you will say that …

2: … and what are you waiting for?

1: What I am waiting for? A lot. I am waiting, in fact, I have been waiting for that one … moment … to gather my strength and guts to say to you that for the past few months, nothing excites me more than seeing your name on my phone. Your unexpected calls, your laughter, your silly jokes, your nonsensical humor, your work stories that make me grateful for my crappy job, your hilarious self that have made my days and made me addicted for it. So yes, that’s the truth. I have enjoyed your company. But I can’t define this … enjoyment. I don’t know what that is. Is it a crush? I don’t know. I’m not sure what it is. But what I am sure of is that you, you … are one very kind person, and I want to stay spending time with you, until I figure out what the thing is. Only if you let me. There. I am sorry. Again. God knows how many times I said ‘sorry’ to you today.

(pause)

1: So?

2: Wow.

1: Yeah.

2: I don’t know what to say …

1: … I don’t expect you to say anything …

2: … but I know what to do …

1: Huh?

2: … because I am still here. And I will. I’ll stay. But, will you?

(end)

 
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Posted by on 07/29/2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A wish to last.

When I was a kid, I always thought that I would end up living with the first person I have a crush on forever, until the end of time.

Of course, the concept of “until the end of time” at the time was thought to be that we two would leave the world together, never came across my mind on the possibility that one may die sooner than the other. After all, how do you explain such a system to a dreamy 7 year-old boy who is now writing this blog you are reading?

Oh yes, I would take a cue from my surrounding and then would spend time daydreaming, making countless spin-offs out of those cues and clues. For example,  I was once fascinated by this watch than could function as telephone, and it was used by characters in Voltus! Being a fan, I dragged my dad to local markets, even when we went out of town, to get me one. Hey, it never occurred my mind who I should make a call to with the watch!

But my dad obeyed my wish, and he enquired about my request to a few toy stores. All of the storekeepers seemed to shake heads and smile in agreement with my dad, who knew that it was impossible to meet my demand. Looking back, this event only make me respect him more as my dad.

My gratitude to him and my mother also sprung from how I look up to them after knowing that my mom was my dad’s first and only serious girlfriend. For mom, at least her children knew she dated a guy who became her close friend to date, but it wasn’t serious. Thus, these two people who made me who I am today were, in fact, married to the first serious date they had.

How noble, how amazing, how inspiring. At least that’s what I had hoped my life would turn out to be: that I would spend my life together with the one I would date the first time.

How little would I know about my life and how it would turn out to be.

If you asked me how my very first dating experience was, I would say that I do not remember how exactly it went. I remember who, and I remember the overall time we had, which was nevertheless nice to have.

But when I realized that it would not last long, part of me was devastated, knowing that I would not be able to be walking on the same step like my parents did. I was taken aback for a while, knowing that from that point on, I would not be able to replicate what my parents had.

Luckily, I found that inability liberating.
Time passes by, and I continued dating, without a sign of settling down in sight. Not yet. I was lucky enough to still have a chance to meet new people, or new one-s if you say so, those who bring a little change to otherwise mundane routine.

Not being a serial dater myself who parades a long list of dates, but I learn a great deal from them. Some mark great changes, some give me many to chuckle about. Some vanish completely, some leave indelible marks. Some go, some stay.

But someone I am yet to meet is you.

Here’s what I am going to say to you:

“I don’t know who you are yet, but whoever you are, I just want to state again that you are not my first date. Be it serious, or casual, or anything in between, you’re just not my first on the list.

But what is lacking on the listing, I am trying to make it up by putting you first in any way I can.

As much as desire goes, I want to greet you the first thing in the morning.
As often as we can, I want us to have the first meal of the day together.
As many times as possible, I want us to close our eyes at the end of the day with each being the first and the last on our respective mind.

When we hit off to wrong start, let’s aim for steady move in years to come.
When we feel like yapping and yelling, let’s think that we’ll be exhausted before we find each other again.
When we feel like being alone and apart, let’s believe that the distance will only strengthen us.”

And if I’d have found you then, I’ll say that since I was a kid, I always believe that someday, I’ll end up living with the person I have a crush on forever, until the end of time.

That person is you.

 
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Posted by on 05/31/2012 in Personal

 

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#movieandme – What’s The First Film You Watched in Cinema?

More than any other time in my life, as long as I can remember, last year seemed to be the time I was drawn to filmgoing experience the most.

I can’t explain why. Perhaps it was the constant worry on the dearth of cinema during our ‘cinema-blackout’ period, which I had repeatedly written, the latest being my kaleidoscopic article here.

But beyond the unfortunate incident, somehow it has always been “planted” in me that the best medium to watch film is in cinema.
There is something magical about sitting in a darkened hall, waiting for flickering lights to turn into escapism world of images and words, where we surrender ourselves and reality surround us for a good two hour or so.

If you find those words familiar, that’s because most of the entries in the blog revolve around the topic. In fact, my life does, too. Or so I made it to be.

When I spent my year-end holiday in my hometown, I watched Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol in nearby cinema. It was a full-house session, despite no advanced sound system. Yet, the packed crowd shrieked and clenched their fists on their seats altogether when Tom Cruise climbed Burj Khalifa, holding their breaths anticipating the suspense and the thrill of that scene. As I sat on top rows, I could see clearly the collective movement, and it was such a joy, such an unbelievable sight at this time!

I still could not believe my eyes even when I reached home.
And as I looked around my room, tons of VCDs I collected when I was in college were stacked on shelves, collecting thick dust and zero care.
Having nothing to do during the holiday, and being thankful for relatively smooth Internet connection, I thought of VCDs giveaway via Twitter. One cannot live without twitting, right?

Three of five Video CDs (VCDs) for my #movieandme giveaway

Thus, on the last day of 2011, either most people at their utmost relaxing mood or busy preparing for parties later, I asked my timeline:

Do you remember the very first film you watched in cinema?

Using hash-tag #movieandme suddenly answers started pouring in. What supposed to be film title turned out to be recollection of memories: when they watched the film, where (and many cinemas that are no longer present), and with whom they watched the film.
These answers still strike my emotions as I am re-reading them now.

What intrigues me most from this collective memory is how our childhood revolved around cinema, one part or another. Many of us were either going with parents, friends from school or relatives, and the choices, as you can see below, are mind-blowing!
Who would’ve thought that our past cinematic treasure could be this rich?

And look at how diverse the location is! Wherever you spent your childhood, cinema was around to lure you in, and good time was abound.

Guess a saying that goes “everybody must have a certain memory about cinema” is true.

While reading these #movieandme entries, can I ask you: what’s your very first film you watch in cinema?

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Being Happy Begins with Being Healthy

It began with a headache.

The headache continued, which made me wonder as I had never experienced continuous heavy headache before.

It culminated in the following words by our family doctor:
“Nauval, you are reaching to hyper-tension level. Your blood pressure is now 140/90.”

There I was, lying down, stunned and lost for words. Deep down I screamed, “It’s always been 100 and not more!”
The doctor, who called me on nickname basis, who has been with me since I was born, further said in a matter-of-fact manner:
“It’s getting common now for people of your age.”

To me, that is a welcome sign to “hello, you are old now. Take care.”

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Posted by on 12/31/2011 in English, Personal

 

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