long time no curhat …

04 Dec

you couldn’t be more right saying that my life has been on a roller-coaster ride, eventhough i haven’t spilled any unnecessary spoilers here.

ever since i came back from the post-iaf holiday, my life has been quite interesting. not that i want to boast, but i truly feel what i have gained has placed certain marks on my memory that i hope i’ll be able to cherish ’em in my life.
and who says it’s all about the pleasant parts?

in fact, couple of times i did cry, silently though, or perhaps in front of some people(‘s ears), i did not mind sobbing a little. talk about the spice of life in love!

but the most important thing lies on the fact that i did not feel hesitant anymore in saying:

“hi, i’m nauval, i’m a freelance writer, and i’m interested in doing a story about you/your work/your performance”

and the jovial excitement flows right through my mind!

it was indeed quite an experience, although not all of my writings were published. some of them got rejected, some of them were still on pending status, some of them are still on the way, some of them were already out there, some of them will be talked about and getting some brainstorming process.

that’s why, my financial issue has been under red-alert notice.

due to the constraint, i had to limit my spending on cinema goings, and indulge myself more on dvds i borrowed from esplanade library. quite an amusing though, since i managed to get my hands on the great powell & pressburger, or to dig some classic hitchcock, wyler, wilder, and foreign cults as well.

but, despite all these constraints, i could still pull myself off in constantly writing film reviews, writing in this blog for sure, creating some ideas for articles, and along the way, i brought my friends to wherever i went to for covering stories, or simply to enjoy free art performances on esplanade or anywhere else. or simply indulging in good talks over meals with them.

and for the first time, i did what i’ve never thought i’ll do in my life: taking a good care of my savings.
i decided to make an investment out of my retirement fund (cpf), thus i could be in peace over the secured sense that the fund will still be intact, at least for the next three years down the road.

sounds good?

it couldn’t be more true as i started packing my stuff, particularly books, and have them shipped to my friends’ places. i started selling some of the stuff i will not bring with me later, and talked about spring cleaning, it’s already on the way. some of them have been completed, including breaking my piggy banks to pieces, and deposited all the coins to my saving account in the bank.

you wanna know how much i’ve saved on those piggy banks?
let’s just say i could manage to travel singapore-jakarta on a return ticket, in style 😉

sounds too good to be true?

i can’t be more thankful for all these opportunities that have come to me recently. new faces, new days, new ideas, new experience.

yet, one thing still prevails.

the frightening part of stepping my feet to my homeland.

after all these years, i’ve decided to give my home country a chance again, and it has not been easy to move from one country to another.

yet, i feel that somehow, it has not been easy to talk over about this to some people back home, as most of them have never experienced living in a foreign country for more than half-a-decade.

the conformity we have created at our own will unknowingly, the emotional baggage we have carried throughout, and the bleak of the future, they look terrifying, even to think about it.

i could keep telling myself to embrace many new opportunities to come, yet at the same time, i couldn’t deny myself over the fact that this home land is not a home. it’s a completely new land.

when i reach there, i will not be seen as the guy who returns home.

i will be seen merely as a kampung boy who can easily get lost over the crowded traffic jam, who are enchanted with the bright, dazzling lights of a big city, who at times can be ‘kampungan’ because he does not know how to behave properly.

the fact that he gets an arts degree from some university whose penchant in good films are worth looking at, may not be seen.

and sometimes, i feel that i’ve to face this alone.

i still have my permanent resident (PR) status here until 4 years later, i still keep my savings, my mobile numbers, …

i have nothing to lose.

i’m just afraid, and i’ve to fight my fear alone.

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Posted by on 12/04/2005 in English


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