Huh!
Tertipu aku!
Tipu tepu!
Kamu …
Berani-beraninya menipu
Sok ngaku-ngaku!
Bikin kita termangu-mangu!
Ngga taunya …
Pinter juga kamu ya!
Bikin aku terpingkal, terbahak, terhenyak, terperanjat, terbelalak
Padahal mustinya aku kesal, sebal, marah udah kaya orang dijarah
Ah kamu …
Tukang selingkuh!
Tapi maunya ambil untung
Bukan prinsip buka tutup
Tapi tetep hanyut
Teruusss …
Aku sekarang heran
Pe-De bener kamu penuh keyakinan
Kalo ga ada yang mempertanyakan
Padahal aku udah curiga mati-matian
Ngaku sodara tapi ga ada kemiripan!
Duh Gusti, anak kecil ini sudah tumbuh besar
Aku yang lebih tua tetep merasa ga wajar
Kalo ngeliat dia jadi liar
Yang Maha, biar …
Janji ngga dibakaR?
🙂
– Cole Porter’s Night and Day plays along inside my head throughout the trip –
Category Archives: Personal
Ouch!
25 Years : A Space Odyssey
Isn’t it funny, when we grow older, we always long for a space on our own, yet at the same time, we tend to get insecure with being alone?
Consider the former first.
Some people, or should I say parents, have this great ability in bearing their children to live on their own as soon as the necessity arises.
Hmmm … can I consider myself as a lucky one here? 🙂
It was both a mutual decision made between me and my folks that I had to live by myself when I started enrolling my study in high school, and what followed was the addiction to make every single decision by myself, to take care of everything by these two tiny hands and feet, and to adapt and perceive new occurences by filters I created on my own.
So much so of the addiction to the extent that it may not be easy to adjust being together with my family again, yet, coming from the similar background as myself, my folks understand very well that their only son badly needs to be freed!
Here I am, it’s been ten years.
And it surely has been ten years of not realizing the danger of the latter part. Or actually, being trapped in the comfort zone of achieving the former?
Again, my writings selalu tak berpangkal tak berujung, it’s a matter of blurting out my thoughts and whatever
My dearie Onny,
…
“Tell me about it yah, Pal! Semua orang udah nggendong bayi, gue masih maen laki!”
…
“Nie’, isn’t it funny, makin kita gede, makin kita pengen idup sendiri. But at the same time, berasa ngga sih makin insecure with being single?”
…
“So, ada rencana balik for good?”
– Ella Fitzgerald is belting her rendition of How Long Has This Been Going On? And it couldn’t be more perfect than this –
-from my little notebook- (1)
don’t put him inside.
don’t call.
don’t initiate.
don’t jump.
don’t ever hope.
are you happy?
I’m not.
but to see you happy,
I can only ask for this bearable torture.
– jotted down on my little red dolphin notebook while I still lit the flame up –
November
I always fall in love WITH November.
The end of the year is still a month away, there’s still a time to make up the numerous unfulfilled new year’s resolution, which very likely, be carried forward to the following year! Hahahahaha … By nature, human beings are blisfully equipped with this ability to procrastinate. *grin*.
I like November for its smell of the rains, which to certain extent can be irritating, but just smell the breeze while taking a stroll along the bridges lining along Singapore river, the small path on the pedestrian leading to Esplanade without having to block the ray of glaring sunlight, or sipping a cuppa in one of those cafes in Liang Seah Street while witnessing the drops of water from the sky in front of your eyes and your body lying on a cozy sofa, what more can you ask?
November gives me a thrill whenever I take myself into a wandering land of daydreaming 🙂
I always fall in love IN November.
Not ‘fall in love’ per se, but to be in love with anything related to love itself.
Well, yeah, way back 8 years ago, gue punya pacar pertama kali di bulan November. Tahun berikutnya pun naksir orang bulan November, dan taun berikutnya jadian bulan November, walopun sumpah ini ga penting banget! Hahahaha!
Sadly, the pattern has been dismissed from 5 years ago, nothing has happened to my love-life in November since half a a decade ago.
What might be interesting is the fact that I’m surrounded by love.
Again, don’t take it literally.
I’m referring to these people around me who are smitten by that particular feeling.
Love.
or simply Like.
could be enhanced by Lust.
or maybe Loath!
Apapun itu, eksistensi gue di bulan November taun 2004 ini masih sama seperti yang selalu terjadi sejak separuh dekade yang lalu : sendiri.
Dan seperti yang selalu terjadi, keberadaan gue dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang sedikit lebih beruntung dari gue.
Ada pacar, ada selingkuhan, ada yang menyukai, ada yang lagi disukain, ada yang masih bertahan dengan mantan kekasih, ada yang menemukan rasa cinta, ada yang berkisah kasih sesat sesaat (hahahahah), ada cemburu, ada rasa sayang, ada being obsessive, ada yang setia menemani, ada being hurt, ada jealousy, ada harapan untuk mendapatkan, dan semua ada di bulan November ini. (gue mo ngomong “semua ada deh disini!” ntar dituntut ama Campur-Campur nya Anteve!)
Me?
Let’s put it this way.
(trying hard not to sound cliche and politically correct) I’m happy for them, I can emphatize, symphatize, feel the way they might be reeling their feelings into at the moment.
Walaupun gue berada di luar sistem itu.
Eventhough not any single of what I mentioned above apply to me.
Meskipun gue yakin, saat ini Tuhan lagi ngeliat gue sambil bilang, “Nauval, just wait a little longer. You know how things always work out for you, and this is no exception.”
–reminiscence of 2046 through its wonderful and mystical soundtrack accompanies this writing–
Over the Pandan Leaf Chicken and the likes of it
Two days ago, on a surprisingly chilly Monday nite, I had dinner at Sakura restaurant in City Hall area with Dendry, Merlien, Wenny and Agee.
OK, from this first sentence you may also sense that nothing extraordinary will go beyond this point.
I’m fine with that. In fact, I agree that there’s nothing unusual from this sort of gathering, knowing the fact that we often meet one another, way back since our college life.
Aha! There you go!
I was suddenly reminded that these beloved people are also the ones I spent my lunch time in Seaview Canteen when I still struggled with my studying in NUS. Those good ol’ days where you could wander around in shorts, sandals, T-shirts that God-knows-whether-you-iron-’em-or-not, skipped class or just finished your tutorials, talked over nothing for hours while a breeze of fresh air from the seaport far away enhanced the atmosphere of warmth and innocent tenderness.
Fast forward to that Monday nite, here we are in our working suit suited to accomodate our offices’ ‘climate’, and everyone seemed to be ready to blurted out their bad day/good day at work! From how you need to work your ass off to maintain your seat in a good place of the company you’re working in, from how unforgivingly rich our bossess are and the deals they keep on making and securing, from how we’ve got to compromise and consider whenever we are about to take our leaves, from how to climb on corporate ladder, from being the ones who work head over feet and your colleagues and bosses take over the credits,
I tell ya, it’s not about “how it’s gonna be” like the way we imagined our life to be when we had that lunches 4 years ago, it’s a matter of “how it need to be done ASAP” now, unless you want to stay in the reminiscence of nostalgia and step away from the spotlights of real life, you’ve no idea what you miss.
So, over the fried baby squids, sambal kangkung, claypot seafood soup, pandan leaf chicken and ended with beancurd longan, we indulged ourselves in, simply, our lives and whatever that comes along with it. Some crave in a career path as they wish themselves end up being with, some are still trying to figure out, some are getting ’em as a means of survival, some are simply doing what needs to be done, some are just nice! 🙂
It’s still us, the same old person that you know since our good ol’ days, be it from childhood, high schools, one-time flings, pubs, religious institutions, gatherings, etc. Nothing changes, except the change itself, or as I prefer to put it in as, we have evolved.
— Thelonious Monk and his works accompanies this writing —
puisi kesiangan
terhenyak oleh temaram malam aku menengadah ke atas.
bukan langit yang menaungi tapi sekedar susunan kayu yang melengkung.
telaga itu masih menaungi aliran air,
melawan hentakan kilau cahaya yang berperang,
merebut tempat tengah dimana tiada yang berdiri.
tubuh utuhmu menghampirinya dan merangsangnya.
entah kejutan apa yang menjalari arus nadimu,
bibirmu basah oleh kecupan.
tapi hanya itu.
bukan nalurimu yang tergerak.
aku masih bermimpi, dan terus menerus menagih.
All Out?! Get In!
for once, just ignore the mess in my right navigation bars, because just for once, we were having a great time!
So, it was told dari minggu lalu kalo housewarming Rumah Hollandia bakalan in conjunction with Halloween Party, which means? Costume Party, people! Dan karena kebiasaan ngumpul-ngumpul garing dan ga jelas kita yang ga pernah ada tema, tujuan, let alone dress code, bisa dibayangin kalo all minds and thoughts are concentrated on how to dress up, or down? Let’s see how it went …
Friday – 291004
Dari hari Kamis sebelumnya dah kirim sms ke Sayid, “Besok temenin nyari kostum yuk!”, plus dari Agatha “Ga dapet tiket Before Sunset, apa kita mo dinner aja?”, well, kenapa ga ditemuin aja dua orang ini di Holland V.?
Kelar gue buka + Maghrib, ketemu di BK, ke toko kostum yang jual peralatan pesta, and you’ve no idea how inspirations can come from such a tiny shop! Well, not that tiny, but compared to over-priced Isetan? Dari sini, all I had in mind was to dress up as a little devil with wings and halo, tapi kepentok ga punya bawahan warna merah, alias celana merah! Mo beli? Duh, mo dipake kapan coba, mana susye nyari atasan yang matching! Sementara Sayid dah settle ama kostum Zorro nya, at least topi nya doang, dan tinggal beli kaen item kiloan di pasar!
Off to Cold Storage, lah, ini supermarket mana jual kostum Hallowen-an?
Sambil sms Imesh yang tujuannya sambil menohok ‘Wish You Were Here’, huehehehhehe … But she proved to be more than helpful dengan ide-ide gilanya over SMS:
“Ah, kamu banyak maunya! 😛 gmn kalo jd ‘Metrosexual Dracoola’, kamu tinggal gaya ganteng, klimis, sdikit vintage+taring. (Komentar gue: Haduh, nyari vintage clothingnya!)
Ato kalian b3 kompak bgaya Moulin Rouge? (Komentar bertiga: Lady Marmalade??? Sapa yang mau jadi Christina Aguilera, sapa yang mo pake korset doang di luaaarrr???)
Ato jd setan bunuh diri aja. All u need: muka pucet, kemeja lusuh bau baygon, busa di dkt bibir, bawa kaleng baygon kosong & foto Dian Sastro nyembul di saku (Komentar Agee: busyet, Imesh kreatif banget!).”
Sambil mikir, sambil ngegosip di bis, sambil browse thru ideas ngelilingin Orchard, nemu topeng yang cocok jadi tema Phantom of the Operaaaaaa … kepentok lagi di kemeja putih renda-renda! Ini dimana tho wanita-wanita disaat kalian gue butuhkan punya kemeja ganjen koq malah ga ada yang punya? Ini juga Wenny tetep ngotot,
“Gue mo jadi Britney Spears di Baby One More Time! Huhuhuhu!” yang langsung kompak dikomentarin,
“Najesh! Bilang aja elo mo pake bikini!” Huahahahahaha!
After muter-muter ga jelas seputeran Taka, gue dan Agee minus Sayid yang kudu latian dance malah kepentok di tulisan:
Projectshop Bloodbros Sale 50%-70%
Huuaaaaaa !!!!!! Baru minggu lalu kesana sambil cursing here and there over the bloody expensive price for such a small stuff, akhirnya melayang juga si tas kecil item ke pangkuan gue, lebih tepatnya ke tentengan gue! Ohohohohoho … Oooppss!
Kostum?
Get set, grab a mummy mask sambil mikir besok tinggal dateng pagian ke Hollandia buat ngelilitin seluruh badan pake tissue, and we called it a day!
Saturday, 301004
Niatan dari awal buat bangun pagi to catch a few flicks plus shopped for a costume langsung buyar simply because of this feeling longing for … lazing around on bed! Hahahahaha … Hey, don’t we just deserve a little slowdown on weekend after work head over feet during weekdays?
Turned on my faithful lappie, cek e-mail, baca koran, it’s just your typical Saturday morning complete with MSN and Yahoo Messenger, dan obrolan gue ama Eko sempet bikin jiper waktu ngomongin kostum mummy gue:
“Nauval dear, ntar ujan baru tau rasa elo yah kostum ancur!”
“Party nya indoor kali, Ko!”
Laaahhhhh … Gledek! Just a little over 3 hours later, cloudy skies yang dari tadi udah nggantung high up there tiba-tiba aja numpahin semua aernya ke bumi! Hoooaaaahhhhh … Tapi …
“Kan gue ntar tinggal beli tissue di supermarket bawah trus dateng ke tempat Aki pagian”
But then, the lure of chatting proved to be too much to bear, after all, it was necessary to stay online for a little longer soalnya ada orang penting yang tiba-tiba aja nongol 😉
And the afternoon went by in a zap sampe Acay pulang buat leyeh-leyeh minta dibangunin kalo dah siap-siap mo berangkat, sambil ga lupa,
“Cay, ntar pake apa?”
“Ga tau, hahahahahaha, ga kepikiran! Mikirnya sih jadi blue man aja, pake baju biru, celana biru, muka biru.”
“Ooohhh …”
(terdiam sejenak)
“Caaayyy! Elo punya celana merah ga? Eh bentar … Ini gue pinjem deh baju lengan panjang merah elo”
(sambil beringsut-ingsut ke dapur)
“Seno! Ini apron merah punya sapa?”
“Lah itu kan emang punya Acay!”
“Ya udah, gue pinjem gue jadiin rok mini deh! Cay, ntar bantuin make up yah!”
“Yo wis, cepetan beli tanduk devil di toko bawah sana! Aku mandi dulu.”
“Iyaaaaa!”
Dan wuuuzzzzz … ! Meluncurlah gue ke Holland Village bagian depan, bagian toko-toko itu, ambil, bayar, nyempetin ngembat chocolate bun di Delifrance buat buka, beli mawar 3 tangkai di Market, masuk rumah, mandi, dan darn it! Kan gue musti make-up an!
“Onel! Pinjem … eeerr … apa, foundation yah? Tapi gue ga ngerti makenya!”
(dan ga perlu gue jelasin jawaban teknis dari Onel gimana karena kalian para perempuan tau pasti gimana makenya yang dalam prosesnya sempet gue mikir bahwa: ribet banget jadi cewek!)
Setelah sejam ngubek-ngubek depan kaca, gantian kuas, gantian cat, gue ama Acay sampe pada satu titik kesimpulan: susaaahh banget jadi make-up artist, musti tau struktur muka gimana, tema apa yang mau ditampilin, so I tip my hat off to you all, make up artists in the world!
Here we are, Devil-Me and Tribal-Puma siap mengadu domba di ajang Halloween @ Hollandia! Dengan nekatnya kami manggil taksi di bawah flat, sengaja tapinya milih tempat yang agak gelapan, ga berani yang rame depan supermarket, hahahahaha .. Walopun tetep manggil taksi dengan gaya ngangkang norak-norak bergembira sesuai tema pesta, apalagi gue yang pake rok-mini-dari-apron-merah itu, sempet kesulitan masuk gara-gara si tanduk mencuat!
Dan ternyata kehadiran gue ama Acay yang telat sejam lebih ini bener-bener bikin gempaaaarrrr!
Gempar karenaaaaaaaa …
1) Merah membara Setan Slutty ama biru a la Tribal style!
2) Ga ada yang make-up khusus!
3) Banyak yang ga kostum-aaaaannnn!!
Waks! Ini kan dah jelas tho sodara sodari kalo Embut, Aki, ama Agee dah ngingetin supaya dateng pada kostum-an, ato sebenernya kalian dah berkostum tuh? Huhuhuhu .. Yang jelas, kalo mo liat foto2 kegilaan kami, sok atuh ke:
http://photos.yahoo.com/mmpalzz trus click ke album Halloween yah!
After foto2 ga jelas, cerita2 serem sampe Ata numpahin teh dan buyar, nonton pelem horor ga jelas yang akhirnya gue ama Acay pamit buat jalan kaki pulang ke rumah, satu hal yang gue rasakan dari malem itu: PUAS!
Puas udah bisa tampil beda.
Puas udah bisa tampil all out, after all, the whole journey of preparation proves to be something fruitful.
Puas udah bisa all out, and get in the atmosphere well.
So, when you are into something fun, give yourself in, be out loud, folks!!!
Guilty and Pleasure.
Now, if you combine those two words, ga perlu dijelasin lagi apa maknanya, but sometimes I find it funny how one can draw inspiration from what seemingly to be a corny, to some extent irritating, product, be it our encounters in film, arts, advertisement, food!, books, so many other indulgences whereby you can just dip yourself deep into it, and you’re fine with that!
I myself can’t help it sometimes to hum cheesy melancholy songs, or liking bad-review flicks, or drolling myself over Swensen’s ice cream, but hey, they are sparks of life!
Again, what I’m gonna write will have nothing to do with all of them.
It’s just an interesting piece of a phone conversation last nite.
…
“Satu pertanyaan terakhir sebelum tutup nih!”
“Apa?”
“Well, I don’t know, this is some kind of question that a 15-year-old teenage girl would ask actually …”
“Hahahaahah .. Emang apaan?”
“I don’t know … Do you think I am a bad person?”
“No! Big No! Capital NO!”
“Please … ”
“Hey, look at the way you are doing now despite what we’ve been through, you know … Gak semua orang bisa kaya gini …”
“Well, thanks, but it’s not like a post-relationship, what about pre, and while in a relationship itself … “
“Bentar .. bentar! Pernah nonton pelemnya Antonio Banderas itu ngga, yang di perkebunan …”
“Antonio Banderas? Perkebunan? Apaan??”
“Aduh .. itu .. yang ama Angelina Jolie!”
“Ooohh .. “Original Sin”!” (dalam hati penulis: goodness! that horrible flick that I don’t bother to waste my time?)
“Iya! Gue inget disitu dia bilang bedanya love ama lust. Love means the ability to sacrifice yourself with what you have, sementara Lust berarti elo mau merampas apa yang dimiliki orang laen itu demi kepentingan elo. Dan elo udah melakukan yang pertama. Elo udah berkorban banyak dulu … (sensor!) … elo udah mau nerima kenyataan, bisa move on sampe sekarang, dan gue bisa bilang kalo elo udah pernah merasakan love itu.”
(terdiam)
“I don’t know. Mungkin belum cukup.”
…
Aku lupa bilang terima kasih semalam.
– to the paranoid one with such an undecisive manner which has become an inseparable part of my life-cyle, I dedicate Bic Runga’s Sway –
Bastards out of Carolina
If you happen to be familiar with the title of this mini-series (or TV movie?), well, I’ve to tell you that I’ve come across this title before, yet I haven’t seen it. So don’t attempt to initiate any discussion about this flick as I will reply you with a blank stare of ‘i-have-no-idea’. It just came across my mind when at the wee hours of this morning, me and my friends were in a long conversation about, what else, bastards.
Those unreachable people equipped with certain qualities that will melt your ego down, charming as they may seem with their gorgeous presence or intelligence, and the “best” part is that they KNOW they have all those enviable qualities, thus leads them to use ’em whenever they feel like using.
But, we are lured to them. We fall under their spells, several times.
Why? Do we like to be hurt? Do we always want to experience being dumped all over again? Is it what they call as ‘human nature’ for one has secretly always wished to be tortured? Or, the basic instinct to fight for the unreachable ones?
Another piece of thought that came up this morning is simply the fact that we are born with those urges. Heck, even when the ovum is about to receive the sperm, she’s looking for the one that fights most!
Oh dear …
Well, back to the world of human being existence in the world, I was once attracted to this bastard as well, only to find that the memory of bad break-up, hatred and disposition lingers vividly until now.
Gee, who are these people with such a strong, haunting presence?
— tracks from OST – Grace of My Heart accompanies this writing —
If
Do we tend to aim for something unreachable?
Do we keep increasing our set or level of expectation?
Do we find satisfaction when we have a fling with what we long for?
Do we dare trying?
If only I knew what it’s like to be for once.
If only I could scratch my existence to make it unknown and unidentifiable.
If only I would bring this whole comfortability up one more step to a state of fixture.
If only I blew it up, and run away from reality!
You are there to give a thrill for that chilly day. I won’t be.
Seaview dan Bangku Biru
(Kalo ini jadi kepublish, inilah tulisan tercepet yang pernah gue bikin karena gue lagi rushing to a job interview! Ganbatte!)
Alkisah dulu, di kampus NUS, tempat pertama gue menginjakkan kaki ke dunia Singapore, gue dan teman-teman tercinta penghuni Arts Faculty dan sekitarnya (biar yg kuliah di SOC, Engineering ato Science ga marah! huh!) punya kebiasaan yang bisa dibilang buruk dan baik, yaitu lunch berjam-jam di kantin Arts Faculty yang dengan seenakjidatnya kita namain Seaview. Karena? Dari satu sudut kita bisa ngeliatin pelabuhan Singapura yang benernya gak deket banget, tapi bisa lah ngeliatin kapal-kapalnya, plus balon StarHub yang sekarang udah ilang! Jadi bukan pelabuhannya yang kita lihat, tapi imajinasi kita tentang pelabuhan yang secuil di mata itulah yang membuat kita ngerasa lagi makan di pinggir lautan, dengan angin sepoi-sepoi bersama temen-temen saling ngobrol, tuker gosip, duduk leyeh-leyeh as if we had all the time in the world.
Kemaren gue napak tilas lagi ama Anoe makan siang disitu.
Ngga banyak yang berubah. Auntie yang jual Yong Tau Foo & juice drinks masih tetep, Uncle yang jagain minuman masih tetep, tapi makanan vegetarian dah ganti pemiliknya. Masih ngeliatin antrian panjang di jam makan siang, masih ngeliatin buku dan laptop di meja-meja.
Yang berubah cuman orang-orangnya. Satu dua orang saja yang kita tau, sebatas kecurigaan kita yang seperti, “Eh! Si bapak itu koq masih ada disini, emang dia ngambil honors?”, dan tentunya, “Gile loe, Cap! Sekarang dah jadi tutor ginih!”. Hohohoho, congrats ya, Kecap!
Kami pun berubah. Ngeliatin mereka, ngeliatin kami yang lagi pengangguran, hahahahaha! Obrolan yang ada pun berubah, gue rasa, ngga tau kalo elo, Noe’. Mungkin some things have to remain as what they are. Nostalgia biarlah tetap jadi nostalgia, kalo kita revisit the experience, tak akan ada yang sama lagi, karena bag of emotional experience yang kita punya sekarang sudah semakin bertambah.
Gitu juga dengan bangku biru di atas Forum (yang terasa aneh tanpa bangku-bangku bertebaran) tempat dimana gue pernah belajar sambil nunggu waktu buka puasa, tempat nongkrong dikala males ikut kuliah, tapi karena ga dapet tempat duduk kemaren, akhirnya napak tilas kita berakhir di bangku-bangku taman belakang yang, kata orang, dinamain Lover’s Park.
Duduklah kami …
Sambil ngeliatin renovasi lift kapsul ga penting banget, jelek pula!
Sambil ngeliatin Grinning Gecko yang masih exist.
Sambil ngeliatin ato tepatnya mergokin sepasang couple sama-sama baju putih yang nyaris kejatuhan bangku gara-gara sok mau berduaan padahal udah tau ih kalo bangku di taman ini pada miring-miring! Hihihihih!
Sambil ngeliatin snack full of sinful indulgence di meja kami.
Sambil menghela nafas meneduhkan pikiran pada angin senjakala.
Sampai akhirnya beranjaklah kami menuju kehidupan masing-masing.
No matter how my life has turned upside down ever since I stepped on my feet to you, NUS, elo adalah rumah pertama gue disini.
(kini harus aku lewati/sepi hariku/tanpa dirimu lagi/biarkan kini kuberdiri/melawan waktu/tuk melupakanmu/walau pedih hati/namun aku bertahan — intermezzo)
Staging Life, or a Stagey Life?
Ready. Lights. Action!
Or more like, Just Do It?!
Whatever it is, let’s start.
This is me, my piece of thoughts scattered around your viewing space.
Everyday, everytime, I play a different role that I present on different stages of the same atmosphere of a breathing life.
One thing separates me from an amateur performer: Never comes across to my mind to unmask the mask.
This mask, that I am touching now through the tips of my fingers to feel the skin reveling inside every single pore, keeps getting thicker, fuller, and heavier everytime as it constantly adds on with dirt, splash of water, powder, spits, slaps, punch, kiss, and whisper.
I breathe heavily when I am about to give my wide smile while my eyelids start getting shut and I can sense my wrinkles lining around my face.
I stare blankly at whatever things present when I am about to fight every single drop of tears falling down across my face, and my mouth, it could only open widely in an expression full of amazement.
“…this is my way, bear with it/you don’t wanna get hurt knowing it … my departure/is meant to make you relieved…”
My lips are moving and they say: I am sorry.
Satu Babak.
…
Kamu tersenyum. Padaku? Kenapa aku?
“You know what, you’ve one of the nicest smiles around.”
“Me? Hahahaha! C’mon, what are you trying to say?”
“Really, I … Yeah, I guess that was a lie!”
Maafkan aku tak bisa membalas senyummu.
Seandainya kamu tahu apa yang ada di pikiranku saat ini.
Seandainya kamu tidak beranjak pergi di satu pagi.
Seandainya kamu lebih punya hati.
“If only you don’t have to say it …”
“But I’ve to! I want to show you …”
“Like I want to know what you want to show!”
“And keep walking away from reality!”
“Because I’m not looking for reality with you!”
“You worship me …”
“As how it is in my dream.”
Beri aku satu pertanda apakah aku harus tersenyum padamu.
Apakah kamu berharap satu balasan setimpal dari aku?
Ataukah aku harus bersikap mengasihanimu?
Seandainya aku bisa melangkah lebih jauh lagi.
Seandainya aku tidak tersendat dalam alunan nada kenyamanan.
Seandainya aku tidak pernah mengenalmu.
Seandainya aku tidak pernah berdiri disini.
….
(nyontek Yuka-B)
In One’s Skin
To be able to step into someone else’s skin and comfortably walk around with it.
To be able to create a certain existence of somewhat a creature whom we, his fellow human being, are breathing and injecting lives to that soulless piece. In short, it’s a matter of playing God.
To be able to setup a world on its own without necessarily imitating any existing atmospheres, because after all, this world will not speak any sound of compromisation to regulations.
“… and as I departed/I only took what I needed/I guess I’ve changed my address …”
(Diana Krall – I’ve Changed My Address)
To be able to imagine and dream of putting ourselves in a land of impossibilites and carefully tip-toeing along the greener grass so not to get drowned.
This is my oasis.
Tuhan, it’s me.
Tuhan,
kapan ya gue bisa berterimakasih lagi secara tulus?
Koq tiap kali gue terduduk bersimbah peluh menghadap hadirat-Mu
hanya keluh kesah yang muncul?
Padahal semua datang dari Maha Kuasa-Mu yang gue ngga ngerti dan ga tahu,
dan betapa sangat tahunya diri-Mu akan rasa penasaranku yang menggebu,
sesekali tak terbendung meskipun semua itu bukannya bikin aku jadi terharu,
malahan menjauh!
Tuhan,
mungkin aku yang mengulur waktu supaya selalu ada alasan-alasan semu,
maklum Tuhan, mentalku mental manusia semata yang maen borongan buat semuanya aja
demi alasan efektifitas dan efisiensi yang seringnya malah jadi bumerang!
Tuhan,
padahal yang aku dan umat-Mu ingin sampaikan adalah,
terima kasih.
Dan berat sekali untuk menghaturkan perasaan pengakuan akan kedigdayaan-Mu ini,
ada sekeping ketidakrelaan kalau ego harus tertunduk terdiam terhenyak dan terpasrah.
Tuhan,
Terima kasih untuk hidup.
Matur nuwun sanget.
Nauval Yazid & His Words. 