Daily Archives: 03/16/2006

on driving while lying.

Here’s the thing. I miss driving.

The sheer sensation of behind the steering wheel, the wind blowing your hair rising to the air …

OK, it only happens in lame music videos of ‘80s.

But in reality, I don’t get that much opportunity to drive a car, especially not in my previous comfort zone where having a car is a very distant dream, and simply I don’t find it necessary to rent one since the public transportation system there is highly reliable. Why not make use of it then? And even after I leave the zone for good, I haven’t decided whether I should register for a driving license there or not.

Whereas in this chaotic city, it’s my own conscience of choice to opt for not driving. The horrendous traffic jam where crimes might happen within seconds, in addition to not knowing the road system, somehow discourage me to do my own driving here.

Thus, the only time for me to drive a car is when I am in my hometown, a newly-developed city which still has the atmosphere of an old town, where you can drive with the sight of greenery mountain within your horizons. It couldn’t be more perfect when I went there at the tip of last year, as I drove this old car every morning against the misty air with breezing winds, and for once, I did not bother to turn the air conditioner inside the car.

Perhaps such a pleasant experience is what drives me to do my own driving at this time around. But more than that, everytime I start hitting the road while changing gears, my mind would start wandering to any thoughtful thoughts. From thinking about what to have for dinner to whether I can get a call back from my last night’s date, thankfully I never hit another car until now, and let’s hope so for the rest of my life.

But one thing I’d like to think about shall I drive a car right now is the fact that our lives are surrounded with lies.

Lies are what bring life to our lives, as what I’d like to believe so.

Especially in a relationship, couples lie, cheat, and hide what’s needed to hide all the time, while they are faithfully holding their loves to their respective partners. It may be sad to come to the realization of such a fact, but some people choose to go on with these lies, and presuming the other parties being naïve or innocent.

Maybe our beloved ones know, so we think. But then maybe they have their own dirty laundries as well, so we assume.

The circle would go on, and so is the relationship itself, that takes two to keep each of their own secrets carefully.

Just like driving, sometimes you cheat, by not obeying what street signs telling you, and when you get caught by the police, you utter some excuses while wishing for the police to let you off with your little trick. And while you say that you will not do it anymore, who knows what the future brings? As long as the destination is reached, any roads can be taken, no matter what.

As long as the relationship is kept, sometimes, make it most of the time, we play ignorant to what our partners are doing. I am not in a good position to tell you if this is healthy or not, although you cannot hide that look of being depressed, but whatever state your mind is, be sure to keep your friends and diaries around, to let your feelings out.

Just like what Sheryl Crow says,
“Lie to me / I promise / I believe / Lie to me / But please / Don’t leave”
(Strong Enough – 1994)

And it took me a good twelve years to finally understand the consequences of the lies while painfully accepting them as what they are. At least, it takes me to lie as well when I claim, “I’m fine!”

I guess I really need that driving license next time I pay a visit to my comfort zone. It’s meant to make you feel comfortable, and for certain times like these, I couldn’t agree more.

Happy driving, while lie yourself to relax.

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Posted by on 03/16/2006 in English, Personal


a song for my ex-es.

Acay, my dearly beloved housemate, once, in a slightly blatant manner, gave this horrifying statement about me:

“you’re such a romantic!”

Immediately I looked at him in return, somewhat confirming while disbelieving at the same time to what the effect the words might bring.

The very notion of being romantic as applied in a person would lead me thinking about how one responds to every single occurrence in his life. I imagine that he breaks down to sing while he complains about his boring life, the way Audrey Hepburn belts How Long Has This Been Going On? in the film Funny Face. He might also boast off his macho quality, only to turn meek within minutes the way John Travolta shifts from Summer Loving to Sandy in Grease. Or simply mimicking Gene Kelly when we fall in love by Singin’ In The Rain. Talk about suffering (from flu) for love!

As you see, there are always songs to sing in every mood we unexpectedly encounter within ourselves in every day basis, or even every minute when one falls in love.

I certainly give my wholehearted vote for such a spontaneous activity.

When I set my heart on someone, my mind turns into a number of songs before I go to sleep while thinking about what the future might bring, and when I wake up in the morning, I will hum my way to the shower and to the kitchen for breakfast, and all the way while sitting on a bus, on the way to the office.

I told Kenny once that I always made a love-song compilation CD to all my ex-es, something I used to consider as a must when I began to embark on new relationships with them. The early euphoria stage of just-the-two-of-us-in-the-world, ah …!

Yet, the flame started fading away as the relationships began to dim, and the CD was hardly played anymore, or not even being mentioned towards the break-ups. What I just realized this morning is the fact that I seldom have a break-up song when the relationships ended.

I wonder if this is derived from the fact that, aptly enough, I don’t do ex-es in general? Or actually the very hard-pressed mental-block in me preventing my mind to come up with any romantic treatment towards my ex-es?

As much as I began with songs, I would love to end with songs as well.

Thus, at the wee hours of this morning, I set my ears on this beautiful song that has been my favorite for quite some time now, in particular to the version as sung by Lisa Ono. Little I realized then that the mere mention of the title can be applied as a bidding goodbye while wishing continuous prosperity of love to these dearly ex-es.

Thus, I wish them love.

To the one who has settled for good.

To the one who went on to become a lecturer, a story-teller, and now, an emerging filmmaker. Wow! I wonder if I did contribute a tiny weeny influence to your fulfilling life here.

To the bastard (hey, I’m only a human being!) who has been immortalized in my life as the single inspiration of my long-delayed book called How To Survive A Travelling Trip With Your Ex.

To the one who … I don’t know, somehow the existence of any adjectives, both good and bad, quickly diminish when I begin thinking of you. It was sweet all along, although hardly memorable. That’s the undeniable fact, dear, which I’m sure you understand more than I do.

But it seems that this song is best given to you, and I wish you endless happiness in return. Stay focused.

I Wish You Love

I wish you blue birds
In the spring
To give your heart
A song to sing
And then a kiss
But more than this
I wish you love

And in July
A lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I
Could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter
From the storm
A cosy fire
To keep you warm
But most of all
When snow-flakes fall
I wish you love

All kinds of love
I wish you love

Now, Komang-ers, you may explode in laughter. I’m done here.

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Posted by on 03/16/2006 in English, Personal