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Note on a Thursday Afternoon

One of the great unfortunate elements of falling in love is that you don’t remember the exact moment.

You don’t remember the specific time.
You forget the precise dotted point on the clock when you start falling.

By any means, it is perfectly fine.

We are swept by the excitement of having someone new in life.
We are thrilled by continuous discoveries we unearth of each other everyday.
We are overjoyed by the sheer sensation of living on clouds number nine.

But then the law of gravity plays its part.

For everything that is put up above, eventually it will come down.
For every moment of falling in love, it will soon be followed by falling out.

We are busy questioning everything, not enough with just accepting.
We are keen on interrogating and investigating, not enough with just asking and believing.
We are dwelling on anger, bitterness, confusion and disappointment. The ABCD of emotional fallout.

We forget that once, we were alive.
We forget that once, we were happy.
We forget that once, we were in love.

Thus, if you ask me when was the last time I fell in love, I can only meet your eyes and say, “I don’t remember”.
But ask me if I ever want to love again, and I let my smile say, “always”.

 
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Posted by on 08/06/2015 in English, Personal

 

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Day 19

“What’s together like?”
“You and me, right now.”

“What’s happiness like?”
“You and me, right now.”

“What’s forever like?”
“You and me, later.”

“What’s ours like?”
You smile.

What’s love like?
You and me, no longer.

 
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Posted by on 07/25/2015 in English, Personal

 

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Forgiveness in a Day

It does not take Eid to forgive. That is true.

Forgiveness, after carefully processed time and self acceptance, shall be done at any given moment. When one is ready, one shall forgive.

But just like any other big days covered in celebration, we need to glorify the importance of one thing that makes us celebrate the coveted day. Today, that thing is forgiveness. Eid is one day that serves as a reminder, that no matter how hard it is, forgiveness prevails. Forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness needs our great willingness to do. Forgiveness shows us who we really are.

Forgiveness should come from the heart.

And when all is done, all is forgiven.

Forgiveness (Courtesy of Huffington Post)

Forgiveness (Courtesy of Huffington Post)

 
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Posted by on 07/17/2015 in English, Personal

 

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Another Birthday Note

I don’t think I have ever been comfortable with myself. Has anyone ever?

Years ago, that actually seems like centuries ago, I was bullied by many as I was obese. Gradually I lost weight, and I lost more weight to the point of being accused of anorexic. I loved food, and still do, too much to throw away, let alone after eating. Then I gained a few kilos, people started saying that I looked fine, not fat nor thin, and it made me feel good. Gotta be honest about this.

Then I worked hard to maintain the seemingly proper weight. It was not easy. My weight kept fluctuating. I could go from looking plump to looking thin within a relatively short period of time. I tried applying a particular mantra “the thinner, the better”, but where did it get me? Nowhere. The body kept moving across like average stock index at any given month. I began losing track when I actually felt good about myself.

And how we concern about our physical attributes always affects how we think and perceive ourselves.

On top of that, a certain past relationship kept me wondering why I bothered to stay while the other party often made inappropriate comments about how I looked like. Of course, at that time, the comments passed of as jokes, albeit unfunny ones if I look back at it now.

Taking comments from other people about our physical appearances can take a toll on our mentality. We’re afraid to try new clothes. We keep getting obsessed with being perceived as “good” by others. We’re scared to eat. We think ourselves as unworthy.

All those sad notes, while we still have to make a living. We are stressed out. We are often feeling guilty over nothing.

Then suddenly, it all stops.

At least for me, the worrying stops.

It takes a while before I could just smile when someone greeted me with, “Do you gain weight?”, and still silently judge the other’s communication skill as other kind of greeting can easily be used. It is not easy at first. I take it personally, very personally, and you should, too. It is easy being superior over others albeit for a few minutes. But the effect on the other party? We always have no idea.

We have no idea, too, when we already lose weight, we still want more. We are still not satisfied. Once the flabby tummy’s gone, the wrinkles are still there. More people call us “sir” now than two years ago. Grey hairs are impossible to hide.

We are never satisfied.

I am never satisfied.

But I can accept.

Gone is the time of submitting photos 10 years ago in dating sites or for official purpose. Gone is the habit of reducing age as we press buttons on treadmill.

Time has never been kind to anyone. But if we are kind enough to ourselves, we get through time in a much more relaxing manner.

I still take way less selfie than anyone. Probably I only take selfie, and still not alone, once every 4 months. I still cringe when I see myself in work photos or videos.

But do I spend or waste my time dwelling on that? Hardly. Not anymore. For there are books to read, films
to watch, places to go, and sports as simple as running to do, we shall turn our utmost attention to those kinds of activities. They make us feel good. They make us feel smart. They make us feel that no time is wasted.

They enrich our lives.

And after some 600 words we read together, I still don’t think I have ever been comfortable with myself.

But I can accept, and live.

Have you?

Feel good (from pixgood.com)

Feel good (from pixgood.com)

 
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Posted by on 04/11/2015 in English, Personal

 

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Maybe, Just Maybe.

Maybe, Just Maybe.

Maybe, just maybe.

We never know the answers to the unresolved problems and the unspoken questions.

We never hear sweet words once spoken in soft and tenderness.

We never understand why people do what they do, and we act how we react.

Maybe, just maybe.

There will never be love like what it was.

There will never be life like what was once led.

There will never be lust anymore.

Maybe, just maybe.

Forgiveness remains unspoken.

Feeling remains unshared.

Friendship remains undone.

Fiendship remains unbroken.

Maybe, just maybe.

For once,

Enough is enough.

 
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Posted by on 04/04/2015 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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God Only Knows

Do you know how the first part of the song goes?

“I may not always love you / but as long as there are stars above you / you never need to doubt it / I’ll make you so sure about it …”

That one famous song.
This version of that song that actually I played last night.

Do you know that the song played exactly as we had the following conversation?

“Hey, you there? / Yeap. / Don’t fall asleep yet. Even if we’re not talking, I still want to think that you’re there. / I’m here.”

So. Yeah.

God knows when a Christmas miracle should happen.

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Posted by on 12/27/2014 in English, Personal

 

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What a Saturday Morning Thinks of

“I want to grow old with you. I do. I don’t know if I love you, not sure if that’s what drives me to say this right now. But I want to … Feel. I want to feel that it’s natural to wake up with you in the morning. To just say “morning” with sincerity. With strong willingness, purely comes from the heart, and not anything else. To just smile when saying that, before the smile disappears into panic as I realize, I have not made you breakfast and coffee yet. To hurriedly leaving for work on weekdays to beat the traffic jam, before thinking of nothing but just cuddling on Saturday morning. Together. Yes, not alone, but two of us. Not you, not me, but this … Union. Made out of respect. Created by my impossibly needy desire to take care of you. To drive you to doctor. To exercise to beat the odds together. To remind you to quit smoking by keeping ashtray ready by your side. To make sure we save our money before we go out. To be honest about our financial status. To nudge when one of us falls asleep in cinema. To offer our shoulder and a kiss when one of us falls asleep on couch while watching TV. Because after all those failed relationships in the past, it seems like you are this … comfort blanket to me. All those years talking my failed relationships to you, and hearing all your failed relationships you told me, you have become my old, well-worn, comfortable pair of shoes to me. I know you. So, allow me. Choose me. Stay with me. Because all I have is the rest of this lifetime. Until the end. With you.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“That there is nothing but us for the rest of your life.”

 
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Posted by on 11/08/2014 in English, Personal

 

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I Love You

Whenever we talk about love, we often talk about it in the context of romantic relationship between two people.
Books are written based on it.
Films rely on it.
Songs are made out of it.
We spend our lifetime marveling it.

What is less celebrated or glorified is the other kind of unsung love between people, often sans romance.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on 09/07/2014 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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The Night Before the Vote

I am writing this some time before 12 hours we, Indonesians, will get to see whoever will lead us as a nation in the next 5 years.
The choice could not be more in contrast of one another: one evokes fear, the other inspires hope.

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Posted by on 07/08/2014 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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It Takes Big Heart and Greater Mind to Be on Social Media

Have we got what it takes to stay (and survive) in social media?

I asked the question myself recently. Such a seemingly simple question turns out difficult to answer. It is even more difficult when matters of heart are involved in attempting to answer the question.

Let me share my experience with you.

I started this year with several personal downside events, one of those was a very messy breakup. The first thing to do was to disconnect myself with the other party, meaning Twitter block, Line block, WhatsApp block, but remained “friends” on Path at the time. If you are not familiar with those names of applications, consider yourself lucky.
However, having still been connected in a social-media application where people tend to be more freely throwing their opinions, expressing their thoughts and preferences, it began to sink on me the danger of having a lack of clear mind while participating in social media. I often lamented my mellow state of mind through song I posted, through long-winded status I wrote, while the other party seemed unfazed in seeing my posts. I began to think, did I really write the posts from the heart, or simply to attract attention?
Then, as the other party starts a new relationship already, people start commenting on them and whatever they share in common together.
For weeks, I’ve gone berserk, crazy, mad. Finally, we unshared each other.

Talked to a very few friends about what I felt, and one of them offered this blatantly truthful comment: “It is even hard these days to break up and be connected in social media. People in social media take sides. Friends take side in social media. Unfortunately, sometimes what people choose to side, they may not be in your favor.”

He further told me that it’s best to step back, while digesting slowly the bullet I had dodged while dealing with hard-hitting facts.
I translated stepping back as quitting, thus I took a sabbatical leave from Path, despite already having unshared one another. I thought, while not being a “friend”, but we still have friends in common, and we might “see” each other when we posted comment in these common friends’ posts.

I took the leave for slightly more than a month, on which by the 3rd week, I began receiving texts, like:
– “Hey, where have you been? Haven’t seen you on Path recently!”
– “Are you okay? You haven’t posted anything on Path!”
– “We miss you on Path! How are you?”

Come to think of it, this is funny. You have been away from social media, and people presume that you’ve vanished completely from life.
Quite the opposite, I managed to have lunch with few friends, went out to dinner, caught up with latest events and films in town, all through simple personal chat or texts.

There is no so-called moral of the story to the lengthy post, as I was just rambling my share with you. Sometimes it’s best to disconnect for a while. Yes, social media allows us to get the latest news very fast, to be updated with the latest happenings. But stepping back and smelling the real air outside allows us to greater thinking.
Sometimes, to stay sane in social media, one needs to be away from it for a while.

I have returned to Path for a few days now. Talk about sensory overload on the first attempt.
I still “encounter” my ex on friends’ comments, yet I made no move about it at all. Just let it be.
The recovery is not completed yet at the time of writing, as it takes God knows how long it will be.
But I do know that it is important to stay afloat surviving in this game of social media, and be firm as well as be responsible with things that you share there, because you have no idea if they will work for or work against you.

And that requires a big heart and greater mind to do.

I haven’t gotten it, but I’m working on it.

We’ll see.

 
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Posted by on 06/01/2014 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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A Talk About Love

A Talk About Love

“I’m falling in love. It’s nothing new.”

“It is new! Every time you fall in love, it’s always a new experience. Nothing, none of your previous relationships are alike. Well … The objects may be similar, like they are all … what, tall, smart, and beautiful?”

(Chuckles)

“Who’s the lucky one?”

“Someone I met a few months ago, actually, when I was on a business trip. Nothing happened. We had a business meeting, had a group lunch, and that’s it. Then a few weeks after that, we met again, online, followed each other.”

“Then?”

“We met up for lunch. We talked. We met again. We laughed.”

“Laugh? Wow.”

“Yeah. It’s okay to laugh, right?”

“Okay? Beat me! Anyone who can make us laugh on dates, boy, that’s a keeper!”

“Exactly! I mean, you know what I do for living …”

“Tell me about it! Putting on mask of anyone but yourself, fake smile, be charming and charismatic till you sweat …”

“You make me look bad!”

“Hahaha. I am your best friend, and what am I but only being honest with you? But what I’m trying to say is, it’s good to be with someone who can make you be who you really are. You know what I’m saying? Imagine how tiring it must be if you have to charm the other person, one person, sitting right in front of you, for hours. You’re not selling insurance for God’s sake …”

“… but I’m talking into building the future together. Just the two of us.”

“You’re … what?”

“Like what you said, anyone who can make you laugh and feel good about yourself is a keeper.”

“Isn’t this too soon? Are you running out of time?”

“When you know you have found the one, you just know. Can I put the feeling in words? No. Can I feel it? Yes.”

(Silence)

“What did you wear on that second lunch?”

“My loose white T-shirt that you hate, with bermuda and slippers. Hahaha!”

“And look at that! Mr. Dress-to-Impress actually dressed down to … Express himself?”

“It was a Sunday, we had no plan to meet, I was doing a marathon, urm, I mean, watching Friends …”

“Ah! I knew it! Which season?”

“Guess this: The One Where Everyone Finds Out.”

“Season 5! The best! Ok, then?”

“Then came a message alert on Path …”

“You shared Path already?”

“When you know, you know.”

“Okay. Then?”

“Then we asked each other what to eat, only to realize we hadn’t eaten, then we met up for lunch. That’s all.”

“Was it a success? The lunch? With the dress down part?”

“You heard me. We laughed.”

“I see.”

(Quietness.)

“My turn. What’s new with you?”

“I’m falling out of love.”

“Oh? Oh, no.”

“It’s nothing new.”

“How come?”

“You fall in love, you fall out of love. When you run out steam, you stop moving. We hardly laugh, let alone love. We make love, but it was never with love.”

“Ouch.”

“It didn’t hurt, actually, this break-up. Or maybe it did, but I didn’t realize. Keeping myself busy, I guess that’s why it didn’t feel bad. Or maybe it was the full cycle like what people say.”

“What?”

“All’s well ends well. I started the relationship with smile. Somehow, I force myself to smile when it ended. Crazy, but I did.
I’m falling out of love. It’s nothing new.”

“It is new! Every time you fall out love, you will always find a new side of you buried throughout the course of relationship. Nothing, none of your previous break-ups are alike.”

(Deep sigh)

“Love. You step into a new, unfamiliar territory, only to come out of it as a brand new person.”

“Exactly.”

 
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Posted by on 05/29/2014 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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Top 10 Cinema Going Experiences in 2013

This is the year of … binge-watching?

Shamelessly, or maybe not, I have to admit that yours truly have finally succumbed to the trend of TV-series marathons.

Why not? In the past few years, (mostly the US) TV series have given us reasons to be couch potato, mostly from their compelling stories, unthinkable twists, well-rounded characters. In short, those qualities are in contrast to what we have found in our cinema.

Thus, cinema becomes a reason to dress up, go out and socialize; whereas television becomes our comfort zone with “people” we know the most.

We need them equally.

The dearth of summer in cinemas this year could be fixed by tuning in to Girls and House of Cards as we reach home. No matter how compelling The Newsroom is, but once in a while, you need to be entertained by big spectacle in 3D, especially with gorgeous costume like The Great Gatsby.

We hang on to bits of sensation from big, wide silver screen. We are pampered with latest technology to shake us in 4DX, or to be surrounded with sound in Dolby Atmos.

But the real big screen experience is the sensation we feel during or after watching the film.

The sensation may come few(er) and between as years go by, but here, in alphabetical order, are what matters most:

1. ABOUT TIME

Date of watching: Friday, October 25, 2013.

Some films make up their flaws by emotion.

I came to watch this film alone. As the film went on, I started noticing oddities in its logic and inconsistency, given the nature of the plot. Yet, despite my awareness, I don’t mind of those pitfalls. In fact, I surrendered myself to the smile of Rachel McAdams and starting picturing myself witnessing each of the time-traveling scene.

It was not until I took a cab home then I cried recalling the film in my memory. It is a rarity to cry not during the film, but afterwards. Glad to have this weird but loving film to make the mark.

2. ALL IS LOST

Date of watching: Wednesday, November 6, 2013.

There I was, in the middle of a winter afternoon in Toronto, I snuck in a cinema to start watching Robert Redford all alone in the sea. Literally, alone.

We don’t see anyone but him, there is no volleyball to talk to, no tiger to befriend with, nor another astronaut to hang on to. We only see Our Man (Redford’s nameless character) doing a little talk, and he is busy maneuvering his way in the harshness of the sea for 90 minutes.

This is a testament of masterclass in screen acting, and Redford has taken a great challenge no other actors may be able to survive. When the light of the cinema has turned up, we are still glued to the screen, reeling from the brave journey.

3. BEFORE MIDNIGHT

Date of watching: Saturday, July 27, 2013.

Before Midnight

Before Midnight

The best part of the film comes when Celine (Julie Delpy) sits on a cafe with Jesse (Ethan Hawke), now they’re married, while looking at the sunset as it happens. She says, “Going … Going … Gone.”

We cannot help that the trilogy feels like a conclusion of an 18-year affair, the one that has inspired to roam around Europe finding undiscovered places the films were set in, to be rightly romantic at specific group of age, and to think about love and relationship in general. I watched this on a Saturday midnight show in Lido cinema in Singapore, where majority of audiences in attendance are couples, married or dating, who hug each other to find comfort as they watched the film.

To be able to follow this trilogy in its intended period of time is a lifetime investment worth having.

4. THE CONJURING

Date of watching: Thursday, August 8, 2013.

Lebaran may not be the golden time of Indonesian film anymore (when is it ever this year?), because during the holiday period, people flocked to watch Ed Warren and Lorraine Warren excise demons in an old house in 1970s.

This is the first time in a few years that local film no longer ruled cinema in the supposedly coveted time, and gave way to a chilling horror that does not feature teenagers making out.

I was one of the people who queued for the film around 2 weeks after its initial release date, yet the theatre was still packed. Audiences were genuinely scared and thrilled, and seeing the entire room gasped and shrieked is an experience on its own.

5. GRAVITY

Date of watching: Saturday, October 5, 2013.

Gravity

Gravity 

It takes a space to bring us back to cinema.

Not even one extended trailer after another can make us prepared of what we were about to see. There, on the giant screen, Alfonso Cuaron takes us circling around wide, empty outer space, particularly in one uninterrupted 20-minute take that left us breathless. It is even more remarkable that Sandra Bullock, the reigning comedy queen, is the one that carries the entire film on her shoulder. When we see her breathing, we are sucked into the confinement of her helmet and actually feel her struggle. Clocking in under 120 minutes, something of a rarity among other blockbuster hits, upon exit we are wondering, “what just happened?”

The answer is clear: it’s the movie that restores my faith in cinema.

6. ILO ILO

Date of watching: Saturday, November 23, 2013.

One of the highlights in cinema-going experience this year was the moment when JIFFest (Jakarta International Film Festival) was held again. I was not part of the festival this time, but kudos to the programming team to pull off the impossible, given the circumstances and the pressing limit of time.

It was my first time as an audience of the festival, actually, and you can imagine my delight when this film happened to be the first film I saw on the festival. I had no idea that Singapore, only a few years ago still came behind its neighbors in world cinema recognition, now comes up front and strong with this sublime film. It is hard to believe that a film can speak loud in its subtlety, and this film proves that, with a lot more to sweep us off our feet. Perhaps the right words to describe this film are “a very human work”, because it puts empathy in each of main characters, and in turn, gives us a touching film-going experience. This one is a keeper for years to come.

7. MAN OF STEEL

Date of watching: Saturday, June 15, 2013.

Looking back a few months later now, it is not a good film.

But then, looking right at the big IMAX screen, I see my childhood once again, staring in awe watching Superman flying across Niagara Falls in his red cape, with soaring music in the background, making us believe that there is a hero to save our day.

That particular moment for a brief few minutes is one of my very memorable moments in cinema this year.

8. PACIFIC RIM

Date of watching: Saturday, July 13, 2013.

Pacific Rim

Pacific Rim

I grew up watching Japanese series about superheroes who fight robots or work together with robots to fight monsters, like Voltus, Ultra-Man, although slowly I bid farewell to them as my attention shifted for good to other genres entirely.

But watching this on big screen on a Saturday afternoon surrounded kids and their parents, rooting over gigantic robots take over one another, who can resist cheering all the way? The banging sound that drums the walls of the cinema halls when the Kaiju moves and runs, the over-the-top fighting scenes, it’s like being in elementary school all over again.

9. 12 YEARS A SLAVE

Date of watching: Saturday, November 23, 2013.

There were films with in-your-face dramatic moments that I saw this year, but none came up as beautiful as this film. In fact, it is so beautiful that you could not look at or watch the film twice. Panoramic shots in many scenes are seemingly taken out of paintings in gallery or pictorial book, its scores are worth being played in a big concert by big orchestra, and production design is simply gorgeous. Bring all those elements to historical violence of slavery, you will be left with cringe and shriek.

I often pinched myself to say, “this is only a movie, this is only a movie” over and over again everytime the whipping tortures begin. Steve McQueen delivers a powerful film, no doubt, and the power is felt among us, audience, long after the credit ends.

You will be relieved to come out of such an experience. Watch it.

10. WADJDA

Date of watching: Monday, November 11, 2013.

Pardon me for being a little sentimental, but I saw this film in a small cinema a little further downtown area of Toronto. It is a one-man art-deco old cinema, and what a delight it was that the film here was shown on celluloid format! While the look of the film, clearly shot in digital, does not benefit from the showing format, it only heightens our experience in watching the film.

This is not a perfect film, for it bears signs of being made by a first timer, such as occasional loose focus and all. Yet, we cannot help rooting for the main character, a teenage girl seeking every possible silver lining in her mundane, almost repressed male-dominated world of Saudi Arabia. We cannot stop looking at her, and wanting to know what happens next as the story progresses. We are put right in the middle of daily life in Saudi Arabia, much to our chagrin sometimes, but the other part of us could not help being amused by the unexpected humor. A promising work that leaves us smiling.

What’s your most memorable experiences in cinema in 2013 then?

PS: If you must know my favorite film this year, this is the one.

Image.

 
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Posted by on 12/28/2013 in Blog, English, Film

 

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A Conversation on a Cafe in One Night

“I’m falling in love. It’s nothing new.”

“It is new! Every time you fall in love, it’s always a new experience. Nothing, none of your previous relationships are alike. Well … The objects may be similar, like they are all … what, tall, smart, and beautiful?”

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Posted by on 09/26/2013 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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Things We Text On Our Way to Airport

Things We Text On Our Way to Airport

10:15:34 pm

Finally here at the airport.
Rushing for check-in now.

10:16:17 pm

Yay!
Eat something.
Red-eye flights suck.
When r u coming back again?

10:16:40 pm

Thx for telling me that! *rolling eyes*
But thanks for the reminder.
Back in 3 days.
Hey, I haven’t even boarded the plane yet!

10:17:15 pm

So?

10:17:22 pm

Right. So much for the notification alert that made my heart beeped, but immediately sank when I saw just “So?”

10:17:30 pm

Hahaha.
What do u want me to say?
Haven’t I said enough “have a safe flight”s already?

10:17:45 pm

Doesn’t hurt to give one.
Each traveling is a new kind.

10:18:00 pm

Have a safe flight, dear.

10:18:10 pm

Thank you.
You know what?

10:18:13 pm

What?

10:18:20 pm

Strangely, both my most favorite and the saddest part of traveling is when u say “have a nice flight.”

10:18:26 pm

🙂

10:18:33 pm

Glad to have u to come home to.

10:18:40 pm

Glad to have u to look forward to everyday, in person and in texting.

10:18:45 pm

🙂
Low batt now.
Bye, dear.

10:18:52 pm

See?
We never really part, do we?
I’ll see you soon.

 
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Posted by on 09/19/2013 in Blog, English, Personal

 

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Some Weddings

Here’s one thing about wedding: it is scary.

Especially if it’s not your own.

Worse, if it’s your best friend’s.

Being a best friend, you are the source of strength, the rock, the one to turn to when the to-be-wed party needs someone to be, simply, present.

You can challenge questions about wedding, but you shall show no doubt.

But what if you have any?

You remain present.
You remain standing next to your best friend before the wedding, during the wedding, and more importantly, throughout the marriage.

Scary? It can be.

But we are not called the best among other friends if we cannot endure the scariest thing.

 
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Posted by on 08/22/2013 in English, Personal

 

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